Cloudy Sky

Worry

2008-06-06T07:28:00.000-07:00

You know I was just thinking about how much we all worry. About how we're going to pay our bills or buy groceries. Well, so far we're fortunate enough that we don't really have to worry per se, only plan and budget. But anyway I was thinking about as my child, what if Wyatt began to worry. Once he can talk that is. And as his parent I would comfort him and tell him not to worry that I'd take care of all those things. And what if he began to hide food because he thought he needed to worry about his next meal?
Where the heck am I going with this you ask?
Well my thinking is that God said he'd provide all our needs. That we need not worry about the clothes on our backs or our next meal. That he'd handle all that. So why should I worry? I should just pray and seek Him and rely on Him for all my needs.

Funny how things just pop into my head. Being a parent can really put things into perspective. Especially when considering the love of my heavenly Father.

Hey Grover, Count This Penny

2008-05-19T12:09:00.000-07:00

Wyatt has a video where this little kid has a penny and holds it out to Grover and tells him to count it. Too cute. But it's becoming my financial situation lately. Damn gas prices. All those fat cats on capital hill should really be ashamed.
By the way...did you know that it is my opinion that Grover is the Sesame Street character that is on crack. He's insane.
We are currently waiting on the "stimulus" check for some monetary relief. A swing set, a little cabin vacation, and a few other things. Oh yeah, and getting the checking account balance back up over $20 is something we' re looking forward to.

The Circus...

2008-05-09T05:49:00.000-07:00

Funerals are boring. Well, unless you bring Wyatt with you. He started his jabbering as soon as everything got really quiet. Then he started pitching a mega fit to be let down. My cousin Mandi took him out of the chapel. I love Mandi, she is so cool. And unique.

Mandi's idea of dressing nicely for a funeral is wearing her extra baggy jeans without the holes in them. Her idea of feminine is an XXL "pink" polo shirt. She is a big girl but her clothes make her look even bigger. Never a bit of make-up. Hair always combed back in a ponytail. There have been rumors that she is gay. But she never talks about it one way or the other. Whatever. I heart cousin Mandi.

It was my great-grandmother that passed away. Natural causes at the ripe old age of 98. She was a sassy one. I wasn't really close to her. But it's still sad when people die. I think hospice helps speed up the grand finale with morphine. But anyway..."Mommie" is what the family called her. She was a petite little woman with decent looks. But her kids?! Damn!! You've never seen such a genetic pile of steaming crap! Those are some uuuugly mugs. Craggy skin, overweight, coarse hair on those who have it. And throw in the occasional retard. I kid you not. Thank God my dad married my mom who has fabulous genes and passed them all to me. I have no resemblance to that group of goblins. If I stand next to my dad, who is quite handsome, you can tell we are related. But that is the extent of it. My dad got some decent genes out it. But his aunts and uncles....the stuff of seriously unfortunate breeding. The women have craggy skin and masculine features. The men, no description will describe them accurately.

I'm wonderfully glad that circus is over.

I Got Skills, Ya'll

2008-05-05T05:48:00.000-07:00

Don't be intimidated. Somebody's got set the bar.
Some stuff I did this weekend:

1. Played wiffle ball and hit the ball TWICE. This is an accomplishment for someone so grossly uncoordinated. I can't play softball worth a crap because I can't hit the ball hard enough to get it past the pitcher. But I can hit a MEAN wiffle ball, though! Go me.

2. Looked at a bird feeder hanging from my friends porch and said something about how messy those little birdies are and then walked right into the damn thing. Got birdseed in my hair. Not so cool.

3. Set out loads of stuff on Saturday morning with my hubby, Ax, for a yard sale. Hoping those black moisture soaked clouds would pass us by. Ummm...no such luck. We were set up for about all of 10 minutes and then had to start doing marathons from the front of the house to the car port around back to get everything out of the torrential rain. Yep, we're geniuses.

4. Had the yard sale Sunday and did fairly decently. I'm so cool that I was able to sell a burnt up spatula amongst a box of crap that my mother-in-law brought for $0.10!!

5. Worked at the church nursery Sunday morning and diffused a meltdown situation with a 3 year old. Woo hoo. What else is there to do in life? Well, a lot I think.

The comment I would never leave...

2008-05-01T12:44:00.000-07:00

Moneysavingmom.com did a post on April 28th that I'm still trying to put into a complete perspective. It was all about how much happier she is staying home more and all the comments agreed. I was too polite to leave my comment:

I HATE staying at home all the time. I want somewhere to go EVERY DAY. I despise having an open ended day of screaming "NO!" and "Come on sweetie, lets change your diaper". Loads of laundry, loads of dishes, and scattered toys DO NOT give me fulfillment. How in the hell does your friggin cross-stitch or whatever that heck that is you showed a picture of do that for you?!! I am not crafty, I don't sew, I can't draw, sing, or stitch. I don't have the patience for it. I think you people are freaks for being happy inside that one structure all day long. I want a nanny to watch my kid and a place free of snot noses to spend my day. Now, with all that out in the open, you wanna babysit for me so I can run around and be happy while you stay at home with the kiddies? Yes, I'll be happy to pay you.

Wow, I feel relieved after getting that out. It's just honesty. Pure and simple. But if I'd have typed that on her site those women would have made me out to be evil. And I'm not. Never mind these devil horns protruding from my forehead. They're misleading. I promise.

I gotta start writing again...

2008-04-29T18:32:00.000-07:00

I have so many posts in my head. Things I think that must be put out there for the world. While typing is more difficult these days with a 19 month old twisting my chair to make me pick him up, it must be done. Thanks to all who left comments on that post so long ago. It's encouraging to know I'm not "really" alone. I'm coping better these days. Well, some days anyhow. I'm still staying home with Wyatt and babysitting little Ashley a couple of days a week...who will be turning one year old in May. I have lots to say and will work on being more disciplined with the timing of my posts.
Writing has always been wonderfully theraputic for me. I neeeeed it. This outlet may be the only one that is interested in my sarcastic, crazy opinions on so many things.

Ya know, this stay at home mom thing is somewhat of a culture of it's own. The things people say. The blogs I've come across. Have I been unknowingly inducted into the "Mom Cult"? If so, you're gonna be kicking me out soon after you read some of the smart ass things I've got to say. I'm soooo glad none of my daily "aqaintances" know about this blog. No one. I can be free.

Here at home

2007-06-01T09:31:00.000-07:00

Here I am at home with Wyatt. He's 9 months old now. I'm enjoying the freedom of being a stay at home mom. However I feel a bit stifled. While my days are unscheduled except for feedings and naps there are drawbacks. I really don't have any right to dwell on them. I know I'm fortunate to be here feeling this way instead of chained to a desk in an office for eight hours. It's just that I need a medium of expression and this is it. There is no person to whom I can truly communicate with on this topic. So here I am again. Back to my old friend, my blog. I need something more in my life to feel productive and satisfied. I spend so much of my day alone, with no outside contact. Wyatt isn't much of a conversationalist. Ax works then goes to the gym a couple of nights a week. He takes his lunch to work most days but sometimes goes out with friends from work. I am here. For endless hours. I am here. I go out when we need something from a store. Once every couple of weeks I go out to lunch with my mother. In the evenings I cook dinner, do the dishes, feed the baby, take care of the baby, make Ax's lunch for the next day. I get so little time with Ax. He doesn't realize how adversely this is affecting me. The weekends are a little better but then Ax is amusing himself with video games or TV and I'm left cooking and cleaning again. The more I ponder these things the more I see that I'm glad that I am able to stay at home with Wyatt otherwise I'd feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of working and then having a household to take care of and next to no time for quality time. I am certainly thankful for my blessings. It just seems that something is lacking. And despite whether or not I could identify what's missing I would have no means to be able to fill the gap.

3 Weeks

2006-10-04T09:25:00.000-07:00

This is sweet baby Wyatt. He is a handfull to put it mildly. "The Boss" is what I call him sometimes. He is about 1 week old in this pic. He's now 3 weeks old and teaching me a lot about babies.
He has the chubbiest cheeks ever. They are wonderful for kissing. If you touch his lips while he's sleeping he puckers up in the cutest way. He loves the sunlight and will stare at the window.

Wyatt was born with club feet. But so was Carl Lewis (the fastest man alive), Troy Aikman (football player) and many other famous people. Wyatt's feet are being corrected with casts up to his thighs every two weeks. His first casting was Sept 28th and was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life. The doctor said it wouldn't hurt him any but I disagree. His little feet were formed a particular way for 9 months and then suddenly stretched out and over corrected then casted. Ummm, yeah, it hurt him. I know it did. It broke my heart for him to have to endure the casting. But I'm thankful that after 4 castings and special shoes he'll be completely corrected. It's called the Ponsetti method. One obstacle we've been warned about is stares from people. Castings are associated with breaks. These obviously have nothing to do with a break but the public doesn't know that. I know we'll find a way to manage. Baby Wyatt is wonderful. I'm soaking up every minute of him.

Baby Wyatt

2006-09-19T10:08:00.000-07:00

Wyatt was born on Tues, Sept 12 at 5:46 p.m. My labor was induced due to high blood pressure. I was sent to the hospital on Monday at 1 o'clock. The pitocin was started but had only brought on dialation to 2 or 3 cms after 4 or 5 hours. The next step at around 7 p.m. was to stop the pitocin and at 9 p.m. insert a cervical ripener. The next morning my water broke on it's own. At 9 a.m. the pitocin was restarted. I was ready to start pushing at around 3 p.m. Wyatt was born at 5:46 p.m. What a beautiful miracle he is!!! He was 8 lbs 5 oz and 20 inches long. He has a head full of black hair. Just like me when I was born! When I was born my doctor called me a hippie baby...that's exactly what Wyatt looks like! Other than that he is the absolute spitting image of his daddy. I tell Ax that Wyatt is his "mini me". And since I haven't been able to stay away from bottles of hair dye for several years, the black hair really makes him look like Ax. It's adorable!

It's true what they say about the sleep thing. Man, it can be rough. But I am coping. Especially with the nursing business. Makes me feel reeeeeeaaaalllly tied down. And up until today I've had some serious hormonal craziness. Happy as a clam one minute and crying over nothing the next. At first I was really worried about what Wyatt was eating. Friday we took him for his first pediatrician's visit. He lost a pound. Yikes. With breast feeding you obviously can't see what's going in and he went a day with no dirty diapers. I was freaked out. Well it turned out to be unnecessary to worry. He was waiting until the middle of the night to load up one right after the other! But that's okay. I'll take it. So long as he's healthy, what the heck does anything else matter?! Thank God that Wyatt is healty. Except for his little feet. And they aren't that bad. They are turned in just a little. We'll be visiting the bone specialist this Thursday. Everyone at the hospital and his pediatrician all reassure us that it's completely correctable. It's just scary. Very scary. The doctor said it's just all due to the way he was situatated inside my belly. I wish with all my heart that he'd have stretched out and stuck them directly into my rib cage if it would've avoided his feet being turned in. But I know it will be okay. It has to be. Special little boots or casts have been mentioned. That's fine. So long as no one says surgery. I would flip out entirely.
He is so sweet and beautiful. I am in love.

Obviously I will be a little more busy than usual from here on out so the posts may be sporatic or non exisitant for a while. I'm sure you all understand.

The Next Step

2006-09-05T10:03:00.000-07:00

I went to the doctor today. I am 38 weeks and she said that I am dilated 1 cm and am probably starting labor. Obviously some women remain dilated 1 or 2 cm for weeks, but I really really hope I'm not one of them. My back has been hurting, my feet and fingers swelling, and I'm soooo ready for the next step! I DO NOT want to be induced unless there is some serious medical reason for it, but I'm ready to meet this little guy.
I am officially off work as of today. YIKES. I know I'll be busy when he gets here, but what about the meantime? It's frightening to have a solid schedule at one workplace for 7 years and then suddenly everything changes. Adjustments are a bit unsettling. What if I don't have him for another month? Obviously it's a possibility. I'm really hoping it doesn't go that way. I've heard that next week is a full moon. Lots of babies are born closer to full moons. Please, PLEASE!!!

Say a prayer for me!

Hostility

2006-08-28T09:39:00.000-07:00

I have worked my entire life. If not at being good in school, then at an actual workplace. I've been here at my current job for almost 7 years. I feel an attachment to the place. I've loved my job, my boss, everything about it. However it seems my affection is one sided. This place has seemed more that a little hostile towards me in regard to policy throughout this. It's made me feel like I'm asking for special treatment and doing something I shouldn't. I realize that I may be a bit over emotional these days so it is hard for me to separate what may be hormones from what may be an actual wrong committed. Regardless of it being hormones or not I can't help but feel pretty rotten. I have annual leave built up that should allow me leave early throughout the week. If I leave at 1 o'clock every day I have enough leave to compensate for the unworked 15 hours per week to equal the pay for 40 hours. However my supervisor told me today that he needed to check to see if such arrangements were allowed. It would be considered abuse of some sort were it not for my very obvious condition.
My desire is to continue to work half days for as long as I can. However the feedback that I'm receiving from this place is contrary to my own needs. I enjoy having a place to come to each day, to help fill the time, to feel productive. I know that I am helpful here. It's just really difficult to feel so shamed by the administration. I would have never thought in a million years that I'd be feeling this way here. It's like a bad dream. A heartbreaking bad dream. I have always felt that this place made me feel secure and that the people I worked with and administration felt a mutual appreciation for not only the way I do my job but also the person I am. It seems I have been sadly wrong.

On Work and Vices

2006-08-23T07:48:00.000-07:00

I have come to appreciate work more. It's such a good thing that I don't have to sit at home all day. It would drive me insane. What do people do all day who stay at home?? Honestly. I don't mean to sound sarcastic or hateful, just sincerely inquisitive. All there is to do is flip TV channels or maybe read a book. A load of laundry? Wow, all that exciting stuff. I know that when Wyatt gets here I'll have plenty to do. It's just between now and then that I may have to deal with.

Vices...
We all have our hang ups. Those pleasures that we can't deny ourselves. The things that we know we should set aside but for lack of self control, we allow them to take us over. I've just been discussing with my co-worker, Johnnie, about her mother. (I love Johnnie's name by the way, she is fabulous.) Johnnie's mom has emphysema and can't stop smoking. It made me think of my own mother. She is over weight and has battled it her whole life. She just can't seem to get the weight off and keep it off. My mother is beautiful. Taking off the weight with her would be much more for health reasons than for vanity. She certainly has no self esteem issues. It's just that I know that women her size don't generally live into their 80's. But I want my mom to. I can't imagine a day without her.

One For The Books...

2006-08-16T13:10:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness. This one is such a mind blower that I've got to remove my carpal tunnel brace to type it out. Yep, it's a whopper. I need to have full use of the hands and digits to get it spelled out. Spelled out for the astonishment of the blog world.
This is one for the books. I don't know which set of books. It would certainly be a book about the dumbest things that people do.
Here at the clerk's office there is a kid who was convicted of Possession of Marijuana. He is only 17 years old. Kelley is his name and he has no job. He lives with his mom and supposedly attends GED classes during the evening. Well, if he's going...he isn't learning much. Kelley was sentenced to perform a month of community service for the City. This sentencing was given due to the fact that he is unemployed and depends on his mother for transportation. The very high fine that Possession of Marijuana carries would've been more of a punishment to her than her rotten kid. However now I've begun to think that maybe the woman is just a big an idiot as her son.
Kelley came to perform his community service today. He is a handsome young man. His mother is lily white and leaves one to guess that his father is likely black. At first sight of his good looks you want to think that maybe he's just made a mistake and has some potential in this life. Possibly not so.
While Kelley is working he wears an orange shirt over his own that says "Trustee" on it. Maybe it's a bad idea that anything attached to Kelley has the word "trust" in it. After working, while waiting for his ride, he stopped by the office. His orange shirt had been removed. We could plainly see his t-shirt. It had pot leaves all over and the letters "U P S". I don't really know exactly what that stood for but I got the general idea. We expressed our dislike of this and strongly encouraged that he refrain from sporting such attire in the future at the PD. We asked if his mother had seen his shirt. He said yes. Possibly she is a moron. Possibly he is a liar.
Is there a more obvious way for Kelley to have given us all the finger and a big "F.U."?? That is besides walking in with a big sign or possibly working while stashing a joint behind his ear???

Side note: A lady came to pay a ticket today and told me that I looked as though I am "about to POP". Thanks lady. I'm glad you think I look like a fat cow.

I want to go to Australia

2006-08-11T06:54:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone with a lady who had an Australian accent. It was entirely lovely to speak with her for no other reason than to listen to her voice. It made me realize that too many people around here sound like such hicks. That probably includes me! It also made me realize that the stupid companies who are selling out and moving their call centers to other countries should totally move them to Australia. It would make me happy. And you know? It's ALL about me. *clears throat* Yeah right.

So here I am, attempting to do my best to type while wearing a carpal tunnel brace on my right hand. For the past two nights (before last night, that is) my right hand and arm from the elbow down would hurt pretty badly during the night and wake me up. My fingers would be numb and feel horrible! So I called the doctors office for advice. They suggested a brace that could be bought at any pharmacy. I had no idea the braces were so convenient to buy. I honestly thought that they had to procured from the doctor.Yes, I am an idiot. But now I am an idiot whose right hand feels wonderfully better. The brace has already made a significant difference after only one night. So guess who got some sleep and is happy? Me!

I have a triple baby shower to attend today at Ax's office. Three of the guys wives are expecting. Myself and the other two chicks are all pretty good friends. I think it will be fun. While I must admit that the idea of a triple baby shower is a bit awkward, hopefully we'll make it work.

33 1/2 Weeks

2006-08-07T12:01:00.000-07:00

I'm extremely happy to note that I've had an uneventful pregnancy overall. No complications of any sort. Just the occasional swelling of the feet and little of the fingers but nothing fearful or entirely uncomfortable. I must confess that I would undertake any discomfort or difficulty to ensure that Wyatt is a healthy baby. My imagination and pessimism intertwine at times to make me worry that an easy pregnancy is a prelude to a worrisome result. I just have to lean on my faith and prayers to take me through my doubts. Worrying is useless.

My belly is huge now. I feel Wyatt move A LOT. I'm thankful for each kick and roll. It has become a bit difficult to get up from lying down. Reclining in any sort of chair isn't conducive to easy breathing. I need more rest and sleep these days. I tire easily and my feet hurt from walking for too long. It seems as though the next few weeks will be the longest of my life. I'm hoping to work until September 1st. That just seems really damn tough for some reason. Then again I honestly think I'd go CRAZY sitting at home all day. I've had somewhere to be every weekday for my entire life. So now I'm just supposed to blissfully prop my feet up all day long? Okay wait a minute, that doesn't sound so bad after all =) The doctor says I'm due September 22nd. It's just hard to believe that I'll go that long. I think it'll be more like the second week in September. I really need to interject here that being pregnant is an absolutely amazing experience. It's not ALL roses, but there have been plenty of them along the way. Knowing that I'll have my very own child at the end of this ride completely blows me away. It's an absolute miracle to conceive, carry, and give birth to a child. I admit that while the third stage of that description is foreign to me at this point, how can it not be an amazing experience?

At my last doctor's visit the doctor sent me home with a packet of papers I'm supposed to keep with me at all times in case I go into LABOR. Ummm....okay, did someone just say the 'L' word??? You all may already be aware that I'm a tad freaked out about that. But I'll manage. After all, I have been skydiving before. Surely I can do this too. There are similarities between skydiving and giving birth, right? Who am I kidding? I'll go into this blissfully blind and come through it one way or another.

Happy Birthday to Me, to Me!!!

2006-08-01T05:54:00.000-07:00

Today I am 29 years ooooold. Yes, 29 is ancient! Though I am happy to be here. It seems that as the number I associate with my age grows, my mind has a tougher time comprehending a few things. In my youth I thought of any number higher than 27 as being one foot in the grave. It's amusing to remember those old thoughts. It seems I must redefine what it means to me to be young and what it means to be old. To be young is to have beauty and happiness in your life. A youthful person enjoys something new about each day. An old person no longer enjoys life and sees nothing positive to find happiness in. Guess I'll be young forever. Maybe 29 isn't too bad after all.
When I was a teenager, life was grand. The world was at my fingertips. Gimme good times and a party.
In my 20's I had goals to achieve. I basically knew what I wanted and worked toward obtaining some sort of status in this life.
In my mid and late 20's I began to understand just what it is that I want most out of life. Not a career. Not a big house, fancy car, or fat bank account. I want to increase the love in my life. Life is nothing without love. I want to strengthen my love of God, my love of family. I want a family of my own. It's a magnificent blessing to have a little baby on the way to begin that love with.

Thankyouverymuch.

2006-07-31T06:20:00.000-07:00

I now have two baby showers under my belt. It's odd being the one in the spotlight for a change. I'm far more accustomed to sitting on the outside and looking in. But I made it through and enjoyed every second of it. All of my family and friends have been so wonderfully generous. It can be very frightening to think of all the stuff we'll be needing. I have no idea what we'd have to do were it not for the giving hearts that people have. We have all the big stuff now. And plenty of extras. It's hard to express how thankful I really am. You may think that all you did was buy me those onsies and that nurser set or breastpump I picked out. But it's so much more than that. Really.

The baby shower my Mother-in-law gave was great. There were around 15 people there. Many of them Ax's relatives that I rarely see. It's great to visit with them. But odd because they see me only a couple of times a year and here I am, big as a house.

My mother gave me a shower that was equally fabulous. My mom really enjoys breaking out the fancy dishes and serving plates. Mom sets a table that's hard to match. She's spent years collecting the antique punch bowl, ladle, cups, platters, plates, and all things silver and crystal. Mother really made me feel special. Everyone did.

It's great to see all the open arms that little Wyatt will have waiting for him when he arrives.

And speaking of his arrival. Yikes! The more I think about that labor thing. And ya know the pain that will inevitable accompany that....well...all I can say is AHHHHHHHHH. Anticipation of pain will only make it worse. Therefore, I REFUSE to dwell on it. I'm am hereby brainwashing myself. My labor will be all roses and rainbows. Yep, that's what I said. You out there laughing hysterically...shutup. I can be as delusional as I please. Thankyouverymuch.

Pregnancy Brain

2006-07-21T12:49:00.000-07:00

Yep, I've officially got it. I can feel myself getting dumber and dumber by the minute. I don't know how to describe it fully. Just a lack of concentration. And a serious lack of effort to focus.

It seems that making it thru the workday is so much more of a chore than it's ever been. I watch the clock tick and daydream about lounging on the couch and taking leisurely naps. The self control required to keep myself at this desk is becoming more and more daunting. Lack of concentration and fatigue are my enemies in this battle. I will be 8 months as of next week. I can't believe it. My belly has grown a lot and it has more to go.

I try not to think about the future too much. It only causes me a bit of anxiety. The short term worries of no sleep and all the expenses coming our way are daunting. The long term thoughts of how drastically life will change.

There is a woman at the post office. She is a pretty lady in her late 40's I suppose. I see her often to mail packages from Ax's ebay sales. The lady, Mary, and I have spoken a few times. She's told me that she was only pregnant once, with her son. He's now on his way to college.
Many things about Mary linger in my mind. I have wondered what it's like to be her. To have only one child who's leaving the nest. To have a stable job and work the 40 hour a week drudge. What if I'm her when I'm almost 50? I don't know if I want to be. I want more. Maybe she has more and is happy. It's just my imagination going into over drive. The only sense I can make of where my brain is going is that I need to consider what I want my life to be like when I'm almost 50. And then work to make it happen.

One of the DUMBEST things I've ever done...

2006-07-19T09:38:00.000-07:00

I was reading a blog and thought I'd confess about one of the dumbest things I've ever done.

I had been in class all day at UTC (Univ of TN at Chattanooga). Which is a college. Duh. But you'd never believe I'd have ever set foot inside such an academic institution based on the idiotic things I've done.

Class was over. I hiked to my car. Got into said car. Proceeded to look forward and see there was no vehicle in front of mine. Hit the gas. Successfully launched my little hatchback Hyundai Excel over the the top of a yellow, concrete parking barrier thingy. My crappy little car was parked at a slant in an uphill direction. There was another concrete barrier less than a foot away from the one I was at which basically trapped the front wheels of my car.

So what does the genius do?

First I tried reverse and lots of gas. No such luck.

I felt like a such an absolute MORON. Who the hell does this sort of thing?!

And then salvation came in the form of two hunky guys walking by. One of them was kind of shaking his head while asking me if I needed some help. The two of those blessed souls picked up the front of my car and moved it for me. God bless good Samaritans.

Needless to say, since then, I have been keenly aware of driving forward from ANY parking space.

I want some Raspberries! NOW!

2006-07-18T11:57:00.000-07:00

I'm getting further and further away from my desk. It seems that everyday I'm pushing away a little bit more. My belly is extending significantly. It enters the room before I do. My belly dictates how I sleep, how I sit, how I feel because sometimes it kinda hurts.

I can see the baby move from one side to the other. It's kind of freaky. A happy freaky I'd say. But freaky is still freaky ya'll. I haven't seen any elbows or knees protruding yet. That will really knock me for a loop.

I R.E.F.U.S.E. to go outside into the heat. I will only go quickly from one air conditioned space to the next. I despise the hot car.

Sunday evening Ax and I went to his parents house. While there we got into the pool. Afterwards I evidently took my wedding ring off to put lotion on and left it in their bathroom. I didn't realize that I'd left it there until we got home. At first, I thought I'd lost it. I started freaking out. I almost got sick, it upset me so badly. But after my MIL said that she had found it and put it away for me, I calmed down. Dammit. I hate it when I do stuff like that. Soooo not good for the nerves.

By the way. In case it's not obvious. I want raspberries! Now!

Shampoo (What a Hilarious Word -Rinse & Repeat)

2006-07-12T07:36:00.000-07:00

I realized something strange about myself this morning.
I have five bottles of shampoo.
All of the bottles are about 3/4 empty. I have only one bottle of conditioner. What the heck is up with this? Neurotic, I'm thinking, is the word that describes me.
Maybe I just like buying new kinds of shampoo? That could've been a theory until I realized that three of the bottles are the exact same kind of shampoo. Go figure.
Seriously, what does this reveal about the inner workings of my brain?
The shampoo bottles. They clutter up the shower. They are ugly. Because? Obviously if you leave them sitting there for the 6 months to 1 year it takes me use them they get kind of scummy.
Do I have a fear of a shampoo shortage? Shampoo hoarding issues?
One particular large, black bottle kept falling off the edge of the tub. Eliciting colorful curse words from my hubby.
That's when I knew I had to make a change.
I solemnly devoted myself to using up that one big, black bottle of shampoo until it was gone.
Today, I succeeded.
The big, black bottle of shampoo is in the trash.
As I squeezed out the last of the goo and heard those farty noises that the bottle makes I felt a sense of accomplishment.
There are now only 4 bottles of shampoo left. Three of them being the same kind.
I am determined to work my way through them.
I will purge myself of my Shampoo Clutter.

Veggies

2006-07-11T13:57:00.000-07:00

We're having a lovely couple over for dinner tonight. Andrea is preggers too. She's about a month or so behind me. She and her hubby are vegetarians. Not the strict kind. Just the simply "No Meat" kind. That has made cooking easy enough. Veggie pizza should do the trick. A fruit tart for dessert. It's only all the damned vegetable and fruit chopping that's wearing on a gal's feet. But oh well. I'm looking forward to their company.

The 4th

2006-07-07T12:21:00.000-07:00

My brother finally moved out of my parents house with his wife and three kids. They are now back in their own house after evicting our cousin EB.
Jeff now has a crackhead named Christina (Jeff's wife's best friend) that had previously been living in Florida with her three kids move in with them. Christina had been kicked out of her mother's and sister's houses.
Jeff has only been in his house for a few weeks.
Isn't this a nice turn of events? Christina's kids are brats (surprise, surprise). Jeff's oldest son who is 7 years old has told us that these kids keep him up at night and break his toys.
My dad went over to check on things. Christina began yelling at my dad.
People, this is a mistake. Do NOT yell at my dad.
She had no idea what landmine she was about to step on.
My dad has a very short fuse.
Thankfully he only yelled back and did not kill Christina.
This blow up led to Jeff being mad at my dad and refusing to attend the yearly 4th of July cookout. It hurt my dad's feelings. He missed Jeff's kids being there.
I am pissed at Jeff. He truly has the maturity of a 13 year old.

Ramblings...

2006-07-03T10:52:00.000-07:00

What are the things I used to write about? I can't seem to remember anymore. I'm consumed with my uncomfortable condition. Yes, it has its enjoyable aspects, but mostly? BLECK. A tight, stuffed feeling in the abdomen that impairs sleep. An overly full feeling that makes me feel like a cow after eating a normal sized meal. While I do love the kicks there are so many feelings that I don't know how to interpret. I feel weird things in weird places. I look like I got into a fight with a mack truck and the truck won. I need a nap. I look at the nursery and feel anxiety. Anxiety over what babies are like. They are really needy in case you haven't noticed. Actually I'd bet that you have noticed a lot more than I have. I'm realizing that I'm a little selfish. I've failed to notice the obvious. I feel anxiety about my job. I'll be coming back part-time, but what does this mean for me? What will truly make me happy? Too many questions, not enough answers.

Okay, okay. I'll stop my bitching. This is just a magnificent place to put feelings into words. I am now going to purposely change the subject.

JENNI OF CLOUDY SKY REVIEWS SUPERMAN RETURNS:
This movie is utterly, absolutely awesome. Having always been a fan of the original Superman movies starring Christopher Reeve, my cinematically educated opinion is that Superman Returns fits seamlessly into the story line. I enjoyed the characters, scenery, plot, music, and everything about this film. The new Superman fits into his character wonderfully. Lex Luther is fabulously devilish. I highly recommend Superman Returns!

7 Months

2006-06-28T05:47:00.000-07:00

I can feel the emotions welling up inside me. Just waiting for any little reason to overflow. The end result is that I end up bawling over nonsense. Ax made himself coffee this morning. He went to put milk in it and we were out. He made a hateful remark. Oh Holy Morocco. I held it in until I got into the car and on the road. It is not smart or easy to drive when your eyes are full of tears and you can't catch your breath. I had a hell of time reaching for a napkin in the glove box. It was all I had to mop up some of the waterworks. And then...Ax called. He said he was sorry and was being so sweet to me. That just totally made it worse. I cried harder. He offered to take me to dinner tonight, to take me to buy some jewelry for an early birthday present, to make dinner himself tonight if I didn't want to go out, to take me to the aquarium in Chattanooga to see the butterfly exhibit again. Ax is such a sweetie. I'm thankful to have him and thankful that he is so tolerant of my nuttiness.

Outside of the occasional emotional breakdown, which thus far is honestly a fairly rare thing, I am doing well. My belly is growing daily and according to Ax and everyone else, I am definitely obviously preggers now. I can feel Wyatt (that what we've finally decided on) moving a lot. He's swimming around and kicking and punching. I am joyful with every motion I feel from him.

I must admit that with the increasing girth comes increasing discomfort. Discomfort at looking at my fattness in the mirror. Clothes fit weirdly. My face is puffy. I am swelling in a variety of places. Sitting or lying certain ways just doesn't workout for me these days. But I do realize that this is only a very minor preview compared to what I have to look forward to in the days ahead. I am going to make an honest attempt to cherish everything I can about this experience. I may not be blessed with every going through it again. I am thankful.

Vacation and a Missed Funeral

2006-06-26T05:43:00.000-07:00

Friday, June 16th, my grandfather passed away. I was at work when I got the call and went straight over to be with family. I stayed with them all day and went to the funeral home to make arrangements. I explained to my parents and grandmother about the vacation plans for the next day. Everyone said that Ax and I should go. I wanted to be with my family but I also realized that if I didn't take this opportunity for a vacation I probably wouldn't get another one for many years. So, we went. My mother said that many people asked about me and all she told them was that I was out of town. I feel a little guilty. Especially when people express their sympathy. I'm thinking..."Thanks, but I was on the beach." I never thought in a million years that would be my prevailing mental picture in relation to the death of my grandfather. It's screwed up.

Now...to tell you about Destin, FL. It is an absolutely gorgeous place. We went out into the ocean up to our shoulders and could still look down and see our toes. The water was amazingly clear in places. Ax and I enjoyed beautiful weather and great restaurants. The beaches are white and the shopping is spectacular.
Our little condo at the Surfside was pretty nice. My only gripe there is that the damned toilet wouldn't stop running the entire time we were there. The only other not so great thing is that when we arrived on Saturday we had to check in at the resort office. From there we headed over to the condo. We got lost. And aggravated. After 8 hours on the road our patience was wearing a little thin. Not to mention that it seemed as though the young idiots, (oops, I mean young men), at the resort office were STUPID. After driving another 45 minutes when it should've only been 15 we found it. Other than that everything was great. Except for the fact the we went out to eat at Fudpucker's on Saturday night and whatever Ax ate gave him a horrible case of the runs all day Sunday. Poor guy.

Dilemma

2006-06-15T07:43:00.000-07:00

My grandpa Moon (my dad's father) is dying of cancer. The hospice nurse spent the night at my grandparent's house. Moon stopped breathing twice last night. My parents had to rush over there at 3 a.m. I was there yesterday evening. Moon will probably pass at anytime now. I will feel horrible if I miss the funeral. I desperately want to be there to support my dad. He is really upset over all of this, understandably. I've never been very close to Moon but I still want to be around if anything happens.

Now, the awful dilemma is that Ax and I are supposed to leave for Destin, FL on Saturday. My mom and dad understand that we've planned this for almost a year now and have paid $300 towards our reservations. But my own heart and conscience will be in awful shape if I'm not around. I also realize that Ax would definitely rather take our vacation than sit around on a death watch. That's reasonable. But my heart isn't reasonable.

Freak Out!

2006-06-12T06:42:00.000-07:00

Okay everybody, I know this may come as a shock...but did you know that in a few months there will be an actual BABY living in the nursery??!!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Seeing the crib, the changer, the chest, the rocking chair sitting there, waiting to be used by a little human is a bit of an eye opener to say the least.

So you're wondering what the heck I've been thinking up until this point? What did I think was going to be happening in that room? It has just fully sunk in and frankly scares the heck out of me. And I'm not even going to THINK about what awful things I will have to go through in order to bring this little human in my belly out into the world *shudder*.

Two funny/strange things:
1. Ax says I now, for the first time ever, make funny noises when I'm asleep. I realize this is true because I've awakened myself several times. In a very cute way, Ax has asked me if it has anything to do with the baby moving at night *giggle*. I of course told him no. It's because I'm dreaming and talking in my dreams. It's strange.
2. Ax's mom, Wanda, has been nicer to me lately. Yesterday she said to me, "Would you like something to drink, hon?" The woman has NEVER used any such term when speaking to me. After she left the room I actually had to ask Ax if I had heard her correctly. Very Strange.

Blogger is Taking Me a Step Closer to the Straight Jacket

2006-06-09T06:52:00.000-07:00

This will be my 3rd attempt at a post in the past three days. The frustration is mounting. If this entry fails to stick I may seek out explosives and blow something up. Blow what up? I have no idea. Just something.
The first post I attempted was about how my mom did not attend EB's wedding. Mother let petty grievances and imagined slights keep her from supporting family. Family ties and weddings are valuable and should not be compromised. Period. My mom and EB have always been close. Mother disappointed me in this.
The second post was about how I was feeling utterly isolated and crappy. Lack of friends and close family leave me lonely. Work is stressful and tiring to say the least. Ax is busy with his own priorities. I feel so alone. My post was expressing all these feelings.
Today's post will be better. Maybe the blogging fairies will allow my words to make it to the site. I've made it to Friday. Last night we had court here and I didn't leave until almost 10. I am very exhausted. Work this week has been a butt-kicker. I have answered appox 1 million phone calls, talked to half as many rude jerks, and handled thousands of dollars of filthy money. Filthy in the literal sense. Money is just so dirty. It leaves my hands feeling all gross and germy after counting it.
Tonight Ax and I are going to see the new Pixar movie Cars. I think it will be great. Hopefully this weekend will be full of rest and accomplishment. I hope to find a rug for the nursery and maybe curtains too if I'm lucky. We've also got to visit our fathers early for Father's Day. The reason for that is that we are leaving for vacation next Saturday! I am so excited. I just hope I don't give out between now and then.

Fatter and Crazier

2006-06-05T08:08:00.000-07:00

Being pregnant has made me worry more in the past 6 months than I've worried in my whole life. Eyes, ears, heart, lungs, intelligent brain, arms, legs, and all sorts of innards...their growth and function creep into my thoughts with every kick. I pray constantly for my baby. I want desperately for him to be healthy all over, inside and out. My patience is being testing to it's very fullest extent. Having to wait nine months to find out if he's completely okay. Having to wait sometimes hours between kicks to reassure me that he's alright for the time being. I wonder how people are so confident that they purposely go through this multiple times. Maybe I will see things differently after he is here. I just don't know how this is going to end up. I'm already fatter and crazier. Guess I'll be a fatter and crazier MOTHER. I know I have much joy to look forward to. Maybe I'm too impatient. Maybe younger mothers have an advantage over me in that their youth makes them a bit more worry free. I'm trying to distract myself with the positive aspects. Like the beautiful nursery furniture that we ordered Friday evening. The crib, changer, and chest are walnut. Babies R Us said it would be in in 7 days!!! It may freak me out even more to see the furniture in the room and have it further sink in that in a few months a little baby will be residing in this room!

6 months

2006-06-01T10:30:00.000-07:00

The ultrasound today was wonderful! Everything is progressing well. The baby weighs 1 lb. 9 oz. It's a miracle. He has little legs and arms and all his parts seem to be in the right place. He was in there kicking and twitching the entire ultrasound! I'm still amazed by it all.

Lawsuits, Lies, and Weddings

2006-05-26T11:46:00.000-07:00

My cousin EB is getting married for the 3rd time on June 3rd. Funny, huh?
My mother has said that she will not attend the wedding due to receiving her invitaition a week later than everyone else. Why, you ask did she receiver her invitation late? Welllll....let me tell you a little story.
The reason for the late invitation: The Shouting Match
Once upon a time.... (okay this ain't no fairy tale). Anyway, EB rented my youngest brother's house from him while he and his wife and kids were living with my parents due to some immaturity, financial, and drug use problems. While EB lived in their house she totally trashed it. It's been said that the house was left in a disgusting state of filth. Past visits to visit EB never revealed such filth. However it may that visits were scheduled. It may be that she purposely left the house that way out of spite. EB is known to be over emotional and dramatic. At one point she had desired to purchase the house. She called in her realtor and then some questionable and dishonesty transpired. EB then stopped paying her rent. Foreclosure notices were sent to the house and EB would promptly dispose of them. It must be noted that my brother is certainly an irresponsible party in this mess. But due to the cluster of idiots involved it got to the point that attorneys were included and my mom had to pull cash off of credit cards to come up with $3,000 in order to prevent foreclosure. My mother then proceeded to collect repayment by means of half from brother and half from EB. Lawsuits, threats and lies then ensued. The situation came to a point of resolution for a while.
The ugliness reared its head again when EB was moving out of the house and my brother was moving back in. White trashiness and yelling happened in the front yard. Unfortunately my dad was in the middle of it. He said some stupid things to EB that he shouldn't have. His anger was justified but his temper got out of hand. The next thing we knew EB had left the property however her big ugly fiance came looking for my dad. Thankfully they never met up. It must be noted that my money would have totally been on my dad. Dynamite comes in small packages. Not to mention that war related anxiety mixed in with a little craziness makes for a short fuse.

So I received my wedding invitation from EB. My mom did not receive hers. I called EB to politely inquire. Obviously my mom did absolutely nothing to EB and I am entirely removed from the situation. EB gave some bullshit line about not having my mom's address. Lie, lie, LIE. But she said she'd put it in the mail that day so I just let it go. My goal was to mend fences. A week went by and mom didn't receive the invitation. I confessed to having called EB and proceeded to discuss with my mom how there was no way in hell I'd attend if EB didn't invite mom too. Mom was disgusted over it and admitted that she would have attended had EB invited her.

Well guess what finally came in the mail?!

Guess who says she's going to pout and not go because she got the invite a week late??

Here is the e-mail between mom and I:

Mom says: I got EB's invitation yesterday (Thursday) but the only reason she sent me one is because you called her so I'm going to be stubborn and still not go.

Jenni says: Dammit. Now you're just being unreasonable.
Don't punish me for being honest with you and telling you I called her. The entire purpose of my call was to avoid hurt feelings and family gaps. You are throwing good intentions and honesty in my face. Please reconsider. You and I can go together. We'll leave the boys at home. We will have fun. Come on now, please.

So far, no response from her.

Exhaustion

2006-05-25T08:34:00.000-07:00

I am so tired! I have no idea why. I wish I had gone to be earlier last night but I don't know if that would really help. I'm stuck here at work and I desperately want to take a nap. WHY, WHY, WHY!!! I feel as though I should stay when leaving is what I want to do so badly. My eyelids are drooping and I'm miserable.

So what if I stink....my house smells great.

2006-05-22T07:22:00.000-07:00

This weekend Ax and I attended his parents 38th anniversary celebration. It was a barbecue hosted by Ax's brother, Brad.
Brad's wife, M, had cleaned all day. She is known for being compulsive about the state of her home. She despises unplanned visitors because of this quirk of hers. The funny thing is that her house was very clean, however she looked as though she hadn't showered or seen a cosmetic in 48 hours. I find this amusing. I happen to be quite the opposite in this department. While the state of my home is important, my personal appearance is of farrrrrr more concern. Especially when I'm having guests over. This quirk of M's, amuses me further because of the image that seems to be so important for them to uphold......"so what if I stink, my house smells great." Hahaaaaaaa.
The other event of the evening that I found distasteful occurred between Ax's parents. It's obvious in their day to day interaction and conversation that the two do not really like each other. However James surprised Wanda with a lovely gift. He picked out a gorgeous ring for her. She was delighted.
Two oddities must be noted.
If I were a member of a strange cult that only allowed me to celebrate one day a year, being in recognition of my anniversary, I would make it a very magnificent celebration and commence the exchange of expensive gifts with my spouse. Not the case here. Wanda responded with the appropriate "oooohs and ahhhhs" upon receiving her gift. Then she proceeded to admit that she "had not got him anything, only a hard time." No kidding sister. We have all been witnesses to that. She further admitted that she wouldn't get him anything, all he would be able to do is spend more money on his hobby of building a Model T.
What a witch.
Outside of these observations the evening was very enjoyable. Ax's family is just weird.
Not to say that mine isn't. His is just more subtle about it. Which makes that much more fascinating in my view.

Perpetual Bliss

2006-05-19T12:14:00.000-07:00

I am dragging Ax to a Baby Fair tomorrow. I am looking forward to seeing the booths and attending the lectures.
We are also attending a barbecue in celebration of Ax's mom and dad's anniversary. It's being held at Ax's brother's house. We are very rarely invited over to Brad's house. Seems they promote an image of being very well off and far too busy to associate with mediocre people such as ourselves. We've also got the impression that they work hard to impress other members of their church (a very cliquish Church of Christ). It's possible that Ax and I don't quite fit that mold. I know it bothers Ax that his brother basically ignores him. Brad doesn't return phone calls or e-mails. It's very heartless of him. I think this will be the second time we've been invited to their house in the past year. We attempt to invite them to our house only to receive non-committal answers of whether or not they can attend. If they do attend, they are consistently at least one hour late.

Why the heck did I get off on that tangent?!

Back to the point. There shall be bliss in gathering together to celebrate a good thing. There is bliss in good food. There is bliss in attending baby related functions (just because I say so). There is bliss in NOT having to come to work for two whole days!

22 Weeks

2006-05-17T06:38:00.000-07:00

My body is stretching and growing. I feel my stomach hardening and getting heavier. There are times when it's a bit uncomfortable. I also despise the bathroom scale these days. I know I'm supposed to get fatter. It's just hard to smile at the numbers getting higher when I've fought them my whole life. Buuuuutttttt...I'm dealing. It's certainly not keeping me from eating, eating, eating. The appetite is ravenous and can not be ignored.

Thoughts of impending life changes are making me nervous. The current need for sleep is undeniable. The idea of having to adjust to life with no sleep seems frightening. However life with my little baby seems as though it will be joyful. Maybe not every minute of it, but most of it.

We've cleaned out the nursery, as the yard sale was a success. I had to say goodbye to my lovely cherry desk. I hope the couple that bought it will enjoy it.
The color we've picked out is a light, mint green color. It looks like a peaceful, neutral color to me. It will be easy to decorate around.

Nursery Furniture

2006-05-15T06:02:00.000-07:00

Mother said she'd buy my nursery furniture when I told her I was pregnant. She told me to pick out what I wanted. Seems simple enough, right? Not so.
We picked out 4 pieces totaling $1,045 from JCPenney's. Very reasonable considering that my mothers taste is very expensive. Ax and I are making an effort to lessen the burden on her.
Then we received good news for my mother. Ax's parents will buy half the furniture. So that's around $600 for each set of parents. Though we neglected to figure in taxes and shipping, Ax and I may have to contribute some ourselves. My mother was delighted to hear that they'd be helping.
That was 2 months ago.
We still haven't received my mother's portion of the money.
Ax's parents are sitting on quite a fortune, so money is no issue for them.
Mother continues to make excuse after excuse about why she will have it 2 more weeks. Always two more weeks.
While we realize that we have until September, we'd like to have the nursery completed before the end of August.
It could easily take at least a month for the furniture to arrive.
Assembly could take a while as well.
Saturday night my mother came over to my house. Some how talk of the nursery came up. She seemed kind of disgusted with the topic of her portion of the nursery furniture money. We have NOT abused the topic. I understand that a gift is a gift. I refuse to be demanding or ungrateful. I know she needs time. I'll be patient. I understand that $600 is a lot of money. I just wonder, what predicament would we be in if Ax's parents hadn't offered to buy half the furniture? It seems we might have never been able to get it. I just don't understand what's up with my mother. She's never let me down my entire life. I know she'll come through now when I need her to keep her promises the most. It's just all frustrating.

Mother's Day

2006-05-12T11:52:00.000-07:00

I love my mother dearly, don't get me wrong. I should be writing a post about how generous she is. I'll do that a little later. Right now I must vent my frustrations at her love of all things material.
Ax and I are on a budget. We're trying desperately to get some debts out of the way before September.
My middle brother Jonathon has just started a job and gets his first 1/2 a paycheck this Friday.
My youngest brother Jeff has a mortgage and three kids.
My mother wants us each to pitch in $75 to buy her a new standing jewelry box and expects dinner out and flowers. She deserves every bit of that and more.
It's just that right now it's a strain.
But how can I say no? I can't say no and I won't.
I have to think that this time next year may be even harder for me. However I know it's hard for my younger brothers now but they will have to bear the burden regardless.

I will not do this to my children. I'll ask for their company and that's it. Anything else they give will be of their own desire, not of my request or demand.

A Hormonal Mess

2006-05-10T06:19:00.000-07:00

I suppose it's the hormones. I hope I can blame the hormones.
I was feeling rather on edge this morning. Usually Ax can be a bit snippy and it doesn't bother me. He's just a butthead sometimes. I forgive him and typically over look it. Today he was just really upsetting me. He apologized before I left for work. I thought everything would be okay.
And then...
On my way to work I was pulled over by a GA State Trooper. I was running late and let the hammer down, so to speak. I flew past him and then saw his brake lights as he was turning around to come after me. I had my blinker on to turn off the road before he even put his blue lights on. I knew he was going to pull me over. I'd already had a super crappy morning. I kind of started crying a little. It was embarrassing. He only gave me a warning. When he walked away the damn broke. I started bawling like a baby. I cried all the way to work. I was 10 minutes late and my make up was/is totally screwed.

I need some chocolate.

Guinness Book of World Records: The World's Largest Splinter

2006-05-08T09:13:00.000-07:00

Ax and I bought some furniture this weekend. We are making an effort to streamline. A computer armoire to clean up lots of junk. A bookcase...I have never seen two people in more need of a bookcase that did not own one. Needless to say the thing is already completely filled up.

We purchased the furniture on Saturday morning and carted it home. The task of light sanding and staining then commenced. I wore a mask and sported it oh so sexily.

I then proceeded to have the WORLD'S LARGEST SPLINTER become lodged in my right thumb. I almost passed out when Ax began to poke at it with a razor blade. I almost died when he got the tweezers. He finally removed the five inch long torturer (okay maybe half inch, but whose measuring?). I bled horribly. Well, maybe just a drop or two...But it was horrible.

Now my thumb hurts. And I'm looking for my recognition from those Guinness people.

IT'S A BOY

2006-05-04T11:56:00.000-07:00

Ax and I went to the ultrasound and saw the baby. We're excited beyond words!! Ax is thrilled and he's called everyone he knows. It's fascinating and frightening all at once. Now we'll really have to settle on a name. I've also got to step up my prayers to God. The baby is forming and growing so miraculously. Please God, let it all be put in the right place...inside and out. I pray that he be healthy, intelligent, and beautiful. God has been so good to me. I know He hears my prayers. I'd say this has to be the most important one of all.

If I weren't such a dummy I'd find a way to post ultrasound pictures. Not that they really show much. The tech was really nice and showed us everything. However to the average observer it's difficult to make out. But she was confident that it's a boy. She took a picture of the face and the little winkie.

I'm just in shock. We're having a boy!!!

Maybe My Little Brother's First Memory.... for Birdie

2006-05-03T11:56:00.000-07:00

A MONSTER IN THE TOILET
When I was a kid we lived in a crappy part of town, okay it was the white ghetto. I was around 7 years old and my cousin, EB, lived with us at the time. My youngest brother, Jeff, woke up late one night to go tinkle. He would've been around 3 at the time. The house was dark and quiet. The little pip-squeak probably couldn't have reached the light switch anyway.
Suddenly he comes running out of the bathroom screaming like an ax murderer is chasing him. He was yelling that there was a monster in the toilet!
My cousin EB went to calm him and show him that there was nothing in the toilet.
EB started screaming.
My dad went in to check on them to see what in name of Mount Vesuvius was wrong.
My dad started screaming. ...(We're a bunch of screamers....umkay.)
There was a HUGE SEWER RAT IN THE TOILET.
**The story has been told and re-told many times in my family. To hear it told now, it would be said that the rat was doing the back stroke. It was also so huge that they could've thrown a saddle on it and ridden it out.**
The next part of the excitement, after my dad realized that there was indeed a monster in the toilet, consisted of him donning his army boots and attaching a large kitchen knife to a broom handle with duct tape. (Yep, we're hicks...you knew there'd be duct tape in this story somewhere.)
Maybe he had on his army helmet too. I don't know. It's certainly funny to picture though.
Daddy and EB went to war with the giant sewer rat. We could hear it screeching.
My mom kept us kids safe from the terrible monster. It was probably more like they couldn't have paid the woman millions to go anywhere near that toilet.

Admitting a Bit of Anxiety

2006-05-02T05:35:00.000-07:00

On Thursday we find out if the baby is a boy or a girl. Ax has said all along he wants a boy. Whenever we talk about the baby he says, "It's a boy. I've put the stem on the apple." While this is a bit amusing, it's made me a bit anxious. I have always responded to him that it might be a girl. He's always sweet and says that'll be good too, but says he knows it's a boy. Well, I'm feeling some anxiety because of this. I would love a daughter. I would love a son too. I'd love to give Ax what he wants. It's just not up to me. This has put a slight bit of dread into me about Thursday. Is that awful? I want to know if it's a boy or girl. I will be joyful if the room is done in pink or shades of blue. (Yes we're stereotypical.) It's just Ax. I love him dearly. I guess there's a burden here. I have a desire to make him happy. I understand that it's a faux pas to admit this. It's just inside me and I can't ignore it. Ax means the world to me. I realize I'm not in control here. Life will go on regardless. It's just that it's clouded my sky some. Otherwise it will be a bright, happy day.

My First Memory ...In Honor of Meghan

2006-04-28T10:43:00.000-07:00

In my first memory I was about three years old. I was at my dad's parents house. I call them Bobbie and Moon. Or maybe Grandma Bobbie and Moon. Anyway....I was in their front yard. They still live in the same house. I was standing there and suddenly the devil dog appeared. The devil dog was rather smallish to medium sized. It had longish white hair and fangs three inches long. At least that what those teeth looked to a scared three year old. The dog came to the corner of the yard and started growling and barking at me and baring its teeth.
I froze.
I just stood there, unable to move an inch, and started screaming at the top of my lungs.
My grandpa Moon came running out of the house to get me.
He scooped me up and brought me inside.
Some how during this...he broke his toe.
I don't remember which toe it was, but I remember standing at the edge of the bed looking at his feet. It seems I was about eye level with them, and his feet were huge and ugly.
I remember feeling bad for him because of his toe.

I find this memory to be rather funny. I've never really like Moon all that much. But I'm certainly thankful that he sacrificed a toe for my safety from the devil dog.

That dog was really horrible. I was terrified to go outside at their house from then on out. I can remember seeing that devil dog into my teen years. May it not rest in peace.

The bad part is that now Moon has been diagnosed with cancer. Just today I got a call that he'd fallen in the tub and possibly had a stroke. My mom and dad are in Panama City Beach, FL right now. They went down and were staying on a military base there for some training for my dad. They weren't supposed to be back until Sunday. They've had to rush back. However dad has talked to Moon today and he says all that he has is a bad headache. Maybe it will all be okay, at least for awhile.

Thoughts...

2006-04-27T08:11:00.000-07:00

Last night I walked on the treadmill. It rained a lot yesterday. I do not have the stamina I once had. I realized as I walked yesterday that the last time I used the treadmill in that very room I was wondering when it would be a nursery. Now it's happening. The last time I walked on it must've been sometime in January. After that the nausea made me too sick to care about walking. Then the weather warmed up and I was able to walk outside. It amazed me how differently the room looked with my new perspective.

I learned yesterday that my thyroid levels were pretty low when checked at the doctor last Thursday. I wish my doctor would check it more often. While I hate giving blood with a passion I give it gladly to make sure the beanie's going to be okay. My synthroid dosage was upped quite a bit. These fluctuations are unnerving. As far as the blood giving goes, I would love to be able to give easily for donation. It seems I've been cursed with small veins. God's little joke. Nothing else I have is little. I've been stuck up to three times in one sitting by techs in search of a vein. Once, I was pulled over by a cop while I was in college, two days after giving blood. He questioned me as if I were a drug user because of the bruises. It disturbed me to say the least.

My grandmother has annoyed me far more than usual today. We had lunch plans on Monday. She called to say she didn't feel well. "We'll go tomorrow" she says. I'll call you.
On Tuesday she was waiting to hear from an insurance adjuster about her recovered vehicle. "We'll go tomorrow" she says. I'll call you.
On Wednesday she suddenly remembered an outting with the ladies from her work. "We'll go tomorrow" she says. I'll call you.
Today she says she has no gas for her car. I get these excuses after she says that we will go "tomorrow". Evidently tomorrow is never and I'm an idiot for attempting to make plans with this woman.

I'm considering an entry about what a book about my family would be like. Maybe for tomorrow.

18 1/2 Weeks

2006-04-26T05:52:00.000-07:00

I had cake for breakfast this morning.

I hope I'm not squishing my baby when I lean forward.

Things are stretching and growing. Especially at night. It's just what I think.

I want Taco Bell NOW. (Yes, it's 9 a.m. here)

I think Ax will be the best daddy in the world.

To Meghan:-- I think we are going to name the baby Ty (if it's a boy). I just have a feeling.

I need a haircut. Maybe it's these vitamins, but my hair is growing like crazy.

We are having a yardsale in two weeks. I REALLY hope we sell ALL our crap. If not only to keep us from having to load it up and donate it.

Funny how things pop into your mind randomly. My cousin Haley in Nashville is only 16. She's a cheerleader, blonde, spoiled rotten (she drives a 2006 Eddie Bauer SUV) and is drop dead gorgeous. She is also the biggest SNOB on the planet. She barely speaks to family when she's around, which is rarely. I remember when she was little and we'd hear stories of how she had trouble pooping when she was a baby. I should remind her at the next family gathering THAT I KNOW THIS. Heeeheeeee. Damn I'm mean. But it's just so fun.

I want to decorate the nursery NOW. My mom needs to get with it and come up with her part of the nursery furniture money. Maybe I'll go buy the curtains this weekend.

IRONY FOR THE DAY. I was just doing spell check on this entry. I misspelled "nursery"....I spelled it "nusery"....and the spell check suggested "misery". YIKES.

Busy, busy, busy!!!

2006-04-24T09:12:00.000-07:00

Thursday I went to the doctor. I've gained 9 pounds. Excuse me while I commit suicide.
On May 4th we find out if it's a boy or a girl!! I'm excited beyond words.
Thursday we also took granny out looking for another car. Her Corsica was stolen about three weeks ago. It was stolen in broad daylight from her job, a nursing home where she is a receptionist. Seems she may have conveniently dropped the keys in the parking lot for the perpetrator. Granny could not qualify for a new car. She has ruined her credit with credit cards. She was turned down three times.
Now for the suspicious part.
Her Corsica was found by the police.
Thursday night.
After it was determined that she could not qualify for another car.
She's either got a serious prayer line to God, or serious mob connections. Probably it's just that my crackhead cousin Mark called his buddies to leave the car in an obvious place.

Friday night we went to a Chattanooga Lookouts ballgame. We got to sit in a press box with some friends. The game was rained out by a semi-monsoon at 3 innings. I was sure the Lookouts were going to loose anyway. Within the first five minutes of me watching the game, the second baseman dropped the ball THREE times. Either his glove was buttered or he'd been paid off. Turns out that the remainder of the game was played the next day and the Lookouts won, 9 to 2. I'd have like to have seen that. We'll be going back in a few weeks for another game. I really enjoy them.

Saturday night we went camping. I did not sleep at all. Our tent was pitched on very, very slight incline. Barely noticeable. We slid downhill all night. *Insert eye roll*
Sooo not fun crawling up the tent all night long, trying to drag my blankets.
That night, I had some marshmallows roasted on the fire. Previously I've never been very impressed by roasted marshmallows, meh.
Saturday night I could've eaten the whole damned bag. Four is what I stopped at. Only because everyone was staring at me. Seems marshmallow goo all over my face and mouth may have caused the looks. They were magically delicious! (wait, that's Lucky Charms)...Maybe this could be a clue as to where those horrible nine pounds came from?!

4th Anniversary...There are Good Men Out There.

2006-04-19T05:25:00.000-07:00

Thursday is our 4th Wedding ANNIVERSARY!!! I can't believe it. I never dreamed that after so many disappointments I could love and be loved by such and amazing, wonderful man. He impresses me daily with his humor and quality of character. He has made me feel beautiful since the first minute I met him. Ax told me he loved me first, in a letter. I still have it. We met in the most unlikely place. At a party that I didn't really want to attend. We spent some time together that night, after he humored me with an off color story. My first impression of him was that he was crazy. I remember thinking, "Well, I certainly don't have to be on my toes around this guy, I couldn't care less what he thinks of me." So I was my usual self, whatever that is. I told him about my career and education. Generally I try to be modest, but with this guy I didn't care. Then as the conversation progressed I realized that he wasn't all that bad. Then, as the conversation progressed I realized that he wasn't all that bad. I realized that a few drinks had made his tongue loose. My impression of him certainly improved as the night continued. The first thing I really remember about him is his smile, laughter, and blue eyes. He was also the most handsome guy I'd ever laid eyes on. I never dreamed I'd be his type. He is so physically fit and strong. I am not either of those things. I am a plus size. When we met my hair was blonde and I had a good tan. My weight is in all the right places and I know how to accentuate them. Evidently it worked for Ax. Thank God. Ax is the most responsible, forward thinking person I've ever known. I am a bit impulsive and spontaneous. He is calculated and planning. We balance each other. I say, "Let's go, now!!" He says, "Hang on a minute. Did you consider (something I never thought of)??"
I am the most blessed girl on the planet. I thank God for my husband. He's what I've always dreamed of, only better. I pray the I can be the best wife to him possible. And in addition to having his love, I am blessed with being able to have his baby.

Once upon a time I was miserable. I went through life wondering what I'd done so horribly wrong to make me deserve the awful life I was living. Now I wonder what I've done to be so wonderfully blessed. Thank you God. Thank you Ax.

Nightmares

2006-04-17T05:47:00.000-07:00

I am an idiot.
There I said it.
The first step to recovery is to admit your problem, right?
I am an idiot because...guess who watched two extremely scary movies yesterday evening and then didn't sleep for more than 30 minutes a stretch????
That would be me, my hand is in the air, I'm bouncing in my seat. Guilty as charged.

My eyelids are drooping.
I hope what I'm typing makes sense.

Ya'll, really. I tried to watch the Wizard of Oz to block out the scary images. But the Lollipop Guild just didn't cut it. Images of Hannibal Lecter were seared into my brain. Every time I closed my eyes, there he was. Doing some God awful, unspeakable thing. Like eating someone's face, or brain, or feeding their own brain to them.
Yep, if you are unfortunately familiar, we watched Silence of the Lambs and Hannibal.

I must admit that occasionally I enjoy a good scare. However these are maybe more psychological frights, not the kind where someone jumps out and says, "Boo!"

The only reason I got up to come to work today was because I was absolutely NOT going to stay at home all alone today with these lovely images to keep me company.

5 things about memememememememe

2006-04-14T06:31:00.000-07:00

1. My front teeth are slightly off centered. Not really noticeable unless I've told you about it and you look. Glad you can't see me. Once upon a time I could make myself feel a little better about this by telling you that Tom Cruise has the exact same thing going on with his teeth. But now I won't say that because. GAH. Tom Cruise is a couch-jumping-mutant-whack these days.

2. If I were rich I'd get a pedicure every week. Ya know the BUDGET...can like totally stand in the way. I love, love, love them. While I am prone to choose the odd color for my toes occasionally. I just like variety and to be unique. Um-kay. Well, maybe the truth is that I just have a weird sense of style. Whatever. My feet are ticklish and can make it difficult to not burst out laughing during it all. But this nasty article that I came across kind of rained on my parade. http://www.webmd.com/content/article/36/1728_79101

3. I love bologna and cheese sandwiches on white bread with miracle whip. Sue me. They were a staple when I was growing up. Ax just gags at the sight of mayo. I've told him that I'm eating extra, extra, extra of it so his baby will like it. He gags more. *smiles wicked smile*

4. I secretly want my baby to be a boy. Just weirdness about me. We'll find out in a week or two. However it must be totally mentioned that I would LOVE a daughter too.

5. My cat is the funniest cat on the planet. He is big and black with white whiskers and paws. His name is Hershey. (yep, I named him...the other cat was Snickers, but she has gone to kitty heaven). Ax and I often go for walks on the railroad tracks behind our house. Hershey likes to follow us. The last time we went, on the way back he got tired. He would run out right in front of me and lay down. I could've tripped over him. He just wanted us to stop and rest and pet him. He did this like three times in a row. Cute little booger.

Grrrrrrrr

2006-04-12T06:32:00.000-07:00

I'm having a bad day. That's not a good way to start off at 9:30 a.m. It just seems that everything is totally pissing me off. The damn phone keeps ringing. I desperately want to smash it into little bits with my bare hands. There is one particular dipshit (* isn't dipshit funny looking when typed, better to be just said*)...anyway, what point was I making here? Oh yeah, the dipshit that keeps calling. His stupid kid got into trouble and the guy keeps grilling me about the way we do things here. Which I must admit that the kid doesn't sound entirely stupid, just young. At least that's the extremely limited impression I've gathered from speaking with his father. It's pissing me off and making my hormones act up! I try to be polite and give as much information as possible. Not because being a court clerk requires me to expound any and all information I have floating around in my wee little brain, but because I sincerely try to be helpful. I consider myself a public servant. However when I feel as if I'm being interrogated and run through the ringer, I become frustrated to say the least. Lemme tell ya people: You get faaaarrrrr more flies with honey. That also translates into: You get faaaarrrrr more information with a polite and un-insulting attitude. I mean damn. I will answer your questions to the best of my ability and in the most forth-coming way possible if you'll just PLAY NICE. Not because I have to, not because you sound smarter than me or richer than me, only because I have decided to be helpful. And my damn supervisor could hear me becoming agitated. Instead of helping or aiding me in some fashion, he says, "Watch what you're saying, now." He only said that because an asshole police officer had walked up to my window and could hear everything I was saying. I wasn't truly saying anything inappropriate whatsoever. See ya'll, I'm pissed.

I may leave early today. Kiss my ass clerk's office.

Kicks

2006-04-11T12:09:00.000-07:00

I could have S W O R N yesterday that I felt distinct kicks in my belly. It just stinks not being sure. I'm an amateur, ya see. I was sitting in front of the TV and I stopped what I was doing to concentrate. It felt like there was another.
So, who knows? Guess I'll have to wait until the little soccer player gets bigger so that I can recognize kicks unmistakably.
...they're either kicks, or I've got some serious gastro-intestinal problems that are going to have to be addressed in the near future.

I go to the doctor next Thursday. I can't wait! I am sooooo looking forward to hearing the heartbeat again. I'm also hoping that my ultrasound will be scheduled to see if the Beanie is a boy beanie or a girl beanie!

Medula Oblongata...ya know, from Water Boy

2006-04-10T10:52:00.001-07:00

My nephew's birthday party was fun. Weeellll, once my dad stopped trying to get himself arrested by one of the amusement park security guards.
Mom and dad had brought pizza for the party from an outside vendor. The security guards weren't going to allow them through the gates with the pizza. My dad, who is famously short tempered, started yelling and raising hell. Right before my dad decided to flip out, my mom was told that if the pizzas were put into a bag to cover up the name on the box, then they would be allowed in. My dad's hissy fit only served to delay things. After we all went in, daddy apologized to the poor, elderly security guard he'd yelled at. My dad's Medula Oblongata is outta whack.
I won't even tell the story about my dad punching a guy who had come out to my mom's office that wasnt' supposed to be there.
More on Medula Oblongata problems...
Tom's party was pretty wild. At least wild from the "Only Sober Person" there's perspective. Tom and Sandy both work for the same company. Tom invited some of the older crowed there that he works with. And these guys got D.R.U.N.K. The memorable quote from the night is "Lick that up!!!"
The quote was made in reference to liquor that had been spilled on the counter.

Birthday Parties

2006-04-07T13:43:00.000-07:00

Going to two birthday parties tomorrow.
The first is at the local mini amusement park for my 7 year old nephew.
Hope the rain holds off.
Just got the invitation for it 4 days ago.
My SIL is soooo quick and responsible.
Didn't anyone ever tell her that these things should be sent out at least 2 WEEKS in advance??!!
Hell, I wouldn't even complain if she'd just got them out in at least 7 days advance.
And not for my benefit, but for the benefit of my nephew. He wants his friends there.
Not everyone is as spontaneous as my Brother and SIL.
Some people actually plan their weekend before Friday night.

The second party is for Tom.
He was mentioned a few posts ago.
His wife is Sandy.
Tom likes to drink.
So you all can guess very obviously what kind of party this will be.
I will not be drinking, DUHHHHH.
I will not be doing beer runs, as I will be the only sober person there.
Tom and Sandy live out in the sticks.
The nearest liquor store is a 35 minute drive away.
Nope, not gonna do it.
You can't make me.

All I can say is Sandy better have some good food made.
If I'm going to bring my preggers self over there and be sober all night.
Food dammit, NOW!

Memories

2006-04-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

It's entirely possible that my mind is in over drive.
Out of no where, while I'm driving down the road, or doing some mundane chore, a memory will suddenly intrude upon me.
A memory that I've tried to forget, that I wish had never happened.
It's awful when the incredibly stupid and terrible things I've done in my life come back to haunt me.
Most of my regrets involve men.
I desperately wish I'd been not only much more conservative but chaste as well in my youth.
Loneliness has lead me to shameful places.
A desire to be wanted and loved lead me to compromise what I hold most dear to me, my self respect.
Impatience with life and a constant need to be seeking. Seeking a way to fill my time and empty heart were my downfall.
I remember what started it all for me. When my ex-husband showed up to sign divorce papers with hickeys on his neck. I'd been lonely and miserable. He'd been out forgetting me. I decided right then that if he could do such things so could I. I began to medicate my wounds with men. Someone to make me feel desirable. To make me forget my pain.
It took many heartaches and mistakes for me to understand that no amount of healing would ever come from a man. I came to understand that before I could find happiness with someone else, I had to find peace within first. It's so cliche, but so undeniably true. I've found my peace and my happiness.
The problem is that I'm still haunted by stinging regret and embarrassment.

16 weeks

2006-04-05T07:08:00.000-07:00

My belly is growing. It's feeling mighty preggers these days. Its an odd sensation to describe. I'm not really feeling movement yet, per se. Only occasional flutters that make me wonder.

Target is my favorite place to shop for maternity clothes. They're cute and comfy. I've been wearing the pants lately. My regular clothes have become too tight.

I had a vivid dream last night. In my dream I went to the fridge and got out a bottle of red wine and poured myself a glass. I drank about a third of it and gave the rest away. First of all, red wine isn't usually chilled. Maybe it was one of those that is. Second of all, I wouldn't drink a glass of wine right now for anything.
It's possible that what prompted this dream revolves around my sister-in-law Kelli.
She asked me if I would drink wine at this point. She said that it's supposed to be good for you. I'll agree that a daily glass may be good for you when it's only YOU THAT YOU'RE DRINKING FOR. I told her NO WAY.
My response was actually that I could just imagine my baby being born cross-eyed or something. Then the doctor looking at me and saying, "Sorry your baby is cross-eyed. Guess you shouldn't have had that glass of wine." Kelli just laughed. However it makes me wonder what all she did while she was pregnant. I know she smoked. That's horrible enough if you ask me. Kelli is truly ignorant is so many ways. It just seems that she fails to fully use that grey matter between her ears. Although it must be acknowledged that I too am very ignorant in many ways. Ignorance can be bliss. There are too my scary things in the world that I'd prefer to remain completely oblivious of.

Every healthy, beautiful, intelligent person alive is a walking miracle. It's frightening to think of all the things that could go wrong even before we are born. Something so very minor could cause so much difficulty. I pray everyday for healthy baby.

Intensity

2006-04-03T07:55:00.000-07:00

These days there is no simple thing about me. Everything I feel or think is intensified by one thousand degrees.
HUNGER. When it comes to meal time, don't stand between me and my food. It seems as though my hunger is frighteningly stronger than ever before. When the pangs come upon me I must eat and soon. If I fail to eat soon, not only do I become horribly cranky, but I get an awful headache as well.
ANGER. I don't just get a little upset or aggravated. I become furiously angry and want to commit murder. I made Ax breakfast Saturday morning. Instead of coming to the table to eat within 5 or maybe possibly 10 minutes later, he NEVER came. He was on the computer working with eBay. I waited, then I ate ALONE, and he never came. There was much yelling that ensued shortly thereafter. I could literally feel myself becoming more and more angry.
SLEEPINESS. When my eyelids begin to droop the countdown to coma time is less than 60 seconds.
EMOTIONS. Saturday Ax and I went over to my mom and dad's house. My brother and his wife were there with their 3 kids (they live there). The kids were all riding their bikes. The youngest, Preslie, is 1 1/2 years. She got off her big wheel for a second. Lauren, 5 years, decided to steal it from her. Preslie began to yell, so Kelli (their mom) went over to make Lauren get back on her own bike. When Kelli gave Preslie her bike back, Preslie said "Thank you".
OMG, it was the cutest thing I've ever heard in my life. My heart absolutely melted.

So I guess what I'm saying is that so long as I 'm not hungry, upset, or sleepy I'm doing okay.
Hmmmm...I sound like a big 'ol baby here.

Preggers Equals Designated Driver

2006-03-30T05:56:00.000-08:00

On Saturday night Ax and I went out to a new restaurant with some friends. Tom and Sandy. Tom and Ax went to high school together. Sandy and I just absolutely love each other, most of the time.
On Sandy:
She has a fabulous personality. The only thing that slightly puts me off about her is that while she seems like a free-spirited, fun loving gal ...when we go out she does a 180. Sandy goes from "lets go everywhere" and "I love to have fun" and changes to "I don't really like this place" and "isn't there something more fun to do?''. Sandy is a little odd in that respect. But aside from that she's wonderful.
But I digress, I totally didn't mean to go off on a tangent about Sandy.
It's Tom's actions that defined the night.
Tom absolutely raved about the new restaurant we visited. However it turns out that it wasn't the food he was raving about. The Long Island Iced Teas are what Tom loved about the place. Before the night was over Tom was singing a different tune.
Tom ordered a Long Island while we were waiting at the bar for our table.
Tom ordered another Long Island after that one while still at the bar.
Tom ordered a Long Island with his meal.
Tom ordered ANOTHER Long Island for dessert, I guess.
Tom couldn't finish the fourth one.
He was so drunk and loud and foul-mouthed. It was kind of embarrassing.
Ax had two drinks but was okay. He had a big meal with them.
Sandy also had two but was decent. It hit her later.
Jenni had lots of The Water, mmmmmmm.
Jenni drove.
Jenni pulled the car over for Tom to ralph up his shrimp.
(Good thing we didn't go to that movie!)
Jenni got Tom a garbage can to ralph in as he was lying on her living room floor.

Tom and Sandy finally left. Sandy seemed sober and didn't exhibit any signs of tipsy-ness whatsoever. However she told me last night that she shouldn't have been driving. She was weaving all over the place on the way home.

All I can say to that is that Ax and I tried to encourage them to stay with us longer. However Tom decided he wanted to go home and that was that.

I told Sandy I felt awful about letting her drive if she was drunk. She said there would've been no stopping Tom. He was going home no matter what.

Thankfully they weren't pulled over. However it still scares me to think about it.

Damn the Glitter Icon...Go AWAY!!!

2006-03-29T09:55:00.000-08:00

Damn this stupid Glitter thing!!! I don't know how to remove it!!! AHHHHHH!!!! Any ideas???

Today has been a helluva day. There are blinds in front of my window here. I can't open them because the track they are on has decided to remove itself from the wall. Screws have popped out and the mechanism could fall on my head at any minute. The blinds themselves are all that are propping the thing up. Nice. And I won't mention that it takes the jerks around here ages to fix anything. The upside is that no one can come to my window. It's closed, locked, and the blinds discourage people from walking up. Fine with me. I'll catch the phone and surf.

A certain big dog up in City Hall came back to talk to me about a new policy that has gone into effect. I wrote a letter to him describing why I thought the new policy is discriminatory towards certain individuals. My nerves got all messed up and made a wreck of me. However I believe that I stood my ground and got my point across. While this certain big wig is stubborn as all get-out, he did take the time to come to my office to debate the issue with me. I don't honestly expect results, however my concerns have now been made public.

The Name Game

2006-03-27T13:47:00.000-08:00

Ax and I had better have a girl. She'll have a name.

A boy would be wonderful. Ax wants a boy and I feel like that's what the baby is.

But if we have a boy he may not have a name.

If it's a girl, she'll be Hannah Marie.

Ax is absolutely STUCK on the name "Tyrus" for a boy. We'd call him "Ty".

I DO NOT LIKE THE NAME TYRUS.

However, I may have to get OVER IT. Ax calls the baby "Ty". I'm okay with the abbreviation. Just not the entire name. Ax likes it because his favorite baseball player was Tyrus Cobb. Ty Cobb was an obnoxious jerk. Not good personality traits.

So, I don't know how this name game is going to go. I'm glad we still have plenty of time to decide.

Looking Ahead

2006-03-24T07:50:00.000-08:00

http://www.babycenter.com/general/baby/1442886.html

The link above is to a series of entries written by a new mother. I've been reading her account of what it's been like for her ((Joyce) to care for her newborn, Violet. I'm a bit frightened by what I'm reading in some senses. I don't expect it to be easy. I suppose education can be bad for you sometimes.

When I think of the routine that Ax and I have right now and then I think of how drastically that will change when the baby arrives...it's unsettling. Joyce describes feeding Violet 8 to 12 times a day for the first couple of weeks. She feels chained and imprisoned. Not to mention horribly exhausted for being a human food machine.

The story continues. Things begin to get a little better, schedule wise. Then week 10 arrives and Joyce is terribly lonely. She feels trapped inside their apartment with no adult contact. She was a working stiff like the rest of us until she became a stay at home mother to Violet. Joyce laments her job, old routine, and adult contact.

As far as I go personally I have often felt chained to this desk chair. Trapped in this office. Sick of looking at these same walls in this office, staring at my computer. Joyce doesn't give me much hope thinking that I'm moving from one prison to another. Maybe it's all about personal outlook. Being tethered to my desk and computer is far more limiting than what I imagine my life as a homemaker would be. At home you have multiple rooms to roam. While my house may be small, it's far bigger than this office. At home you have books to read, TV to watch, the outdoors. Those things are forbidden to me here at work, for 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week. Not to mention the consuming time it takes to ready myself to get here, then drive here and back. Those hours all add up. Maybe it's distraction that I'll have to be prepared for whenever I reach Joyce's stage with Violet. There are family to visit and old friends to lunch with.

In case it's not completely obvious I'm a bit frightened by the unknown. It is exciting to think that in 6 months from now I'll have a sweet, tiny baby and I'll no longer be glued to my chair in this office. However I know there will be difficulties, adjustments, and exhaustion. How will Ax and I change? How will our life and routine be different? I consider myself optimistic, but uneasy nonetheless.

Bright Sun-shiny Day

2006-03-23T10:50:00.000-08:00

I went to the doctors office today. I got to hear the baby's heartbeat again. It's an amazing miracle. And a wonderful relief too. The doctor said everything appears to be great. I agree. The doctors visit was also wonderful because it was the absolute fastest doctors visit I have ever been to. Usually I wait in the lobby for an hour to see her and then another 30 minutes in the exam room. Not today! After about 5 minutes in the lobby and then 5 minutes in the exam room the doctor walked in! I was in and out of there in around 25 minutes!!! Oh, how I wish it could always be this easy! I had time to go shopping, go to the Post Office, and meet my parents for lunch at Chili's. It's been a bright sun-shiny day!

Apprehension

2006-03-22T11:26:00.000-08:00

While I try to remain optimistic, I've been a bit apprehensive about things lately. My morning sickness is finally subsiding and I feel rather "normal". I'm not showing at all. I suppose the lack of discomfort worries me. I want so desperately for everything to be okay. I've heard the heartbeat and seen the beanie on the ultrasound. I'm anxious to feel, see, or hear something reassuring. I know that going to the doctor tomorrow will help tremendously. The appointment has come at just the right time. They can ease my apprehension one way and one way only. With that little doppler device that can detect the heartbeat. I'll be so thankful to hear it. I'm also very interested in my hormone levels. I hope it's all going textbook perfect.

The other point of apprehension for me regards my desk that is for sale in the paper. I got the desk when I was in college, for my birthday. It was rather expensive so I helped to pay for it. I picked it out. It's a cherry rolltop desk with brass accents. It's beautiful. Ax and I have a small house and the desk isn't functional for housing a computer. There is no place for a keyboard and the inside of the desk is full of little drawers, cubby holes, and slots. I'm sacrificing it to use the money we get to buy a much more useful computer armoire. It would hide all of Ax's computer junk. The problem is that I don't really want to sell my desk. I want to rearrange our small and already cramped dining room to make room for it. One day we'll have a bigger house. One day they'll be room for a beautiful roll top desk. Dammit. It's frustrating.

All in the Family

2006-03-20T10:49:00.000-08:00

This weekend was great. Saturday night we celebrated my dad's birthday. This time last year he was in Iraq. It was a double celebration! We grilled out chicken and hamburgers and had a fabulous time.
We had my niece and nephew over Saturday night. I took them to church on Sunday. There are activities that allow the children to go up in front of the whole church. Aaron and Lauren have no qualms about it. Not a shy bone in Lauren's body. She is younger (5) but leads the way. Aaron kind of follows. They're great kids.
Sunday night we went over to the in laws house for dinner. I mentioned to them that my mom was buying all the nursery furniture. Out of no where my MIL said that they would go in on half of it. I am completely surprised. They aren't exactly generous to say the least. It's very nice of them, most definitely.
I can feel my lower belly becoming more firm. It's amazing. I go back to the doctor on Thursday. I absolutely CAN NOT wait to hear the baby's heartbeat again. It fascinates me.

2006-03-17T13:56:00.000-08:00

Myspace Glitters

12 Weeks

2006-03-15T10:26:00.000-08:00

I thought that when you hit the three month (12 week) mark the symptoms of nausea and general desires to vomit at any given moment were supposed to be PASSING. Ummm...no. Whoever that applies to is not sitting here typing. On Monday I had a nasty headache. Monday night I was nauseated (nothing new). Thought I'd swallow down my dinner of a barbecue sandwich and maybe do away with the nausea (at the very least). Oh but hell no. I fought off the desire to barf for about an hour and then....dear heaven, help me. My head was in the toilet for the first time since I've found out I was pregnant. It was horrible, utterly horrible. I was out of work recovering yesterday. I've felt like I've run a marathon and didn't even get a t-shirt for it.

Today I went to JCPenney's website and picked out my baby furniture. My mom wanted to put it in layaway. I hope Penney's has one.

Granny is At It Again

2006-03-13T12:21:00.000-08:00

My mother just called to inform me that my grandmother has been hounding my Uncle Mike, who lives in the house behind her, for money. My Uncle Mike was given steward over my granny's checkbook and finances after my granny bounced nearly thirty checks. The entire, horrid problem rests squarely on my cousin Mark, who lives with granny. Uncle Mike is his father. Mark is addicted to crack or meth or some such horrendous stuff. Mark hounds granny for money for any excuse he can think of and she falls for it hook, line, and sinker. Mark has granny basically brainwashed. After we originally took the checkbook from granny and gave it to Uncle Mike, Mark was informed of his future inability to procure crack/meth money from granny. Mark promptly borrowed granny's car (which he had promised not to do). He then proceeded to trade the car for $250 worth of crack/meth. Now we're back to square one.

My granny works at a nursing home as a receptionist. She has borrowed money from one of the patients of the nursing home. Well, isn't that nice?! What quicker way can you think of for her to get FIRED?! Other than just out and out stealing from the place. Honestly if the woman gets fired my sympathy will extremely limited if existent at all. She'd have brought it on herself. While I will concede that the situation has come about in it's entirety to the manipulations of a drug addict, I am fed up. Can you tell?!

When my mother called me at first today she was gung ho about kicking Mark out of granny's house. Mother was fired up about telling Mark to pack it up and not look back otherwise he was going to get his kneecaps broken. I am a big fan of this method. However now that things have cooled it doesn't look as if my mother is going to do anything. I agree with mother that it should be up to my Uncle Mike to do something about Mark. But Mark has been at this game for 2 or 3 years now and Uncle Mike has not made one tiny effort to do anything about Mark.

I am totally stressed out.

The Winds of March

2006-03-09T11:14:00.000-08:00

The temperature is nice here in North Georgia. However the wind is showcasing it's magnificence. Driving with the window cracked just a bit I could hear the wind rushing against the car. The car resisted the windy influence but I could sense a desire to bend to the winds will. Swaying trees and stop lights danced to the tune of the wind. Any poor soul outside would've felt the winds wrath with fly away hats and raised skirts. Kites would soar high on such a day that could only be described as a kite lovers dream.

The day brings to memory a visit to the Tibee Island, near Savannah, GA that Ax and I took for our third anniversary in April last year. We had gone to the beach with hopes of sunshine but were greeted with harsh winds. We snuggled close together and enjoyed the day despite the it all.

Do da, do dah, do dah

2006-03-08T12:19:00.000-08:00

Made my cake last night and ate it too. Yummm....I'll be having some tonight too.

My head has been swimming today. I do not like it. Feels like my head is a balloon and floating above my body. Yes, I realize that there are a million jokes about me being an airhead just screaming to be made. But it seems like an adequate description.

Today the weather has been fabulous. My suggestion is that we take our computers outside and work in the sun.
Okay, that's not practical whatsoever. But I can wish, can't I?

It must be admitted to the world that currently my toosh is aching from sitting too long. I sincerely wish my employment was more conducive to motion and less sitting.

Dreaming of Chocolate Cake

2006-03-07T06:42:00.000-08:00

Last night I had an extremely detailed dream about baking and eating a chocolate cake. I made the mix, licked the beaters, poured the batter into pans, baked it, iced it. I could even taste it in my dream. Soooo...obviously tonight, come hell or high water, I will be baking a delicious chocolate cake and EATING, EATING, EATING IT.

Oh sweet month of June, come faster, faster. I want to leave for Destin, Florida. I want to walk on the beach, listen to the ocean, smell the saltwater. I want to lie in the sun, run sand through my fingers, and collect seashells. Oh how I look forward to lathering up with sunscreen and taking a million pictures of everything around me! June, where are you? I'm waiting!!!

A Black Cow Standing in a Field of Buttercups

2006-03-06T10:40:00.000-08:00

Saturday:
* A guy came inside the Family Dollar and loudly exclaimed to the clerk that he couldn't find the cassette tapes, Ax and I agreed that before long he'll have to check the antique shops
Sunday:
* on a trip to my in-laws house I saw a black cow standing in field of buttercups
* I ate dinner with family and friends
* I took a long, lazy nap
* I read a book my granny gave me about a bunch of old ladies
* Ax told me he wanted to feel the baby kick

Short Tempered Sally

2006-03-01T08:51:00.000-08:00

I have really had a short fuse lately.
1. Yesterday I wanted to kill the Indian guy. (I also wanted to beat with baseball bats the Circuit City jerks who out- sourced the billing department.) I slammed the phone down very violently, most likely in the Indian guy's ear.
2. I almost yelled at, but instead just spoke through clenched teeth, at a dummy asking for help about a week too late. I can't turn back the damn clock, buddy!!
3. I just chewed out and then hung up on my granny. She's planned a trip to Gadsden, Al with my mom and I this Saturday to go see her aging cousins. But instead of being honest with me she came up with some bullcrap about not hearing back from her cousin to make arrangements. The truth is that granny has said she'd work this Saturday. Damn it.

I am getting frustrated and angry to easily, it seems. At least Ax has not been the recipient of my wrath at this point.

Damn Those Automated Phone Systems

2006-02-28T07:12:00.000-08:00

I just had to call the bank that handles credit for Circuit City I HATE them. Ax got this account before we were married. Therefore I am not on the account. We paid them off with our tax return a couple of weeks ago. It was a zero balance. Now the jerks have billed us for $6.53 in interest. I called to ask them why the hell they think I owe them money. I went through the automated system that picks up. Which INFURIATES me. Press this button, press that button, put in these numbers, press that number again....on and on and on. FINALLY I get an INDIAN on the phone. WITH A HORRIBLE ACCENT. IS IT SO MUCH TO ASK TO SPEAK TO AN AMERICAN. Dammit you Circuit City jerks. You want my business and my time but you can't employ AN AMERICAN to talk to me?!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And if by some unlikely and remote possibility that this INDIAN is an American, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. If you've got ANY FOREIGN ACCENT WHEN I WANT TO BITCH AT YOU ABOUT SOMETHING I WANT TO SPEAK TO AN AMERICAN, BORN AND BREAD IN THE UNITED STATES WITH NO MORE THAN A YANKEE ACCENT OR A SOUTHERN TWANG.

The jerk asks me for the account number, the address, phone number, Ax's SSN. WHICH OBVIOUSLY I'M A SERIOUS CROOK TRYING TO VIOLATE YOUR RETARDED ASS PRIVACY LAWS, SO I'VE DONE MY HOMEWORK AND KNOW EVERY BIT OF THIS. And then the SOB proceeds to tell me that he can't speak to me about this account. DEAR GOD, I WANT TO TRAVEL THROUGH THE PHONE AND BITCH SLAP YOU.

*Disclaimer* I do not hate or dislike Indians, generally. Honestly I think most of them are beautiful, intelligent people. Sometimes I kind of like talking to them because their accent can be rather enjoyable. While I have had to work around a few that have stunk to high heavens due to some weird spices they eat, I don't hold that against the masses. This post was just written during a rant of utter frustration and anger. As a matter of fact I know that Indians aren't in any way responsible for the stupid Privacy Law, that would be the dumbasses in Congress. Thankyouverymuch. Have a nice day. Please come again.

Sage Advice

2006-02-27T06:49:00.000-08:00

I know you don’t need advice, but I have to say this:

*Enjoy it
*Avoid all stories about bad pregnancy experiences
*Listen to only positive stories and experiences (my experience was totally positive from beginning to end)
*Eat
*Think only positive thoughts
*Really take advantage of being pregnant
*Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for sleeping late, eating, or being lazy
*Use the excuse “but I am pregnant” for everything
*Remind others that it is only temporary and that you should not be held responsible for exhibiting the following symptoms:
-Irregular mood swings, various personality disorders, social phobias, curse words and foul language (Tourette ’s syndrome)

These are words of sage advice from my SIL, which is Ax's brother's wife. She is both wise and hilarious. My favorite is the last one!!!

AMAZING

2006-02-24T07:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went to the doctor and I HEARD THE BABY'S HEARTBEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!! I am only 10 weeks and she was hesitant to try to hear it because she thought it might upset me if they were unable to locate it. Not to mention that my slight fluffiness might get in the way. I assured the midwife (doc was out delivering a baby) that it wouldn't upset me or hurt my feelings because I've read everything I can and I understand that the heartbeat just may not be strong enough yet. So based on my comment she got the little doppler thingy and greased 'er up and went to moving it around on my lower belly and SHE FOUND IT!!!! I am still amazed and fascinated! The little beanie is alive! And it has a heart!!!!!

They then sent me for an ultrasound, which I called Ax to go to with me. He was also able to hear the heartbeat and see the little beanie kicking and waving at us!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!!! Ax had to leave after seeing all that, but then they did a trans-vaginal ultrasound. I was able to see the brain, spine, wee little arms and leg buds. The ultrasound tech took measurements of the baby's heart too, even at this early stage!!!!
Can you tell that I'm still a little thunderstruck and amazed?!!
God's miracles are wonderful.

Old Friends

2006-02-22T10:51:00.000-08:00

An old friend I went to high school with contacted me through MySpace. It was a great surprise to hear from him. He's married with THREE kids! It's great to hear that old friends are doing well. He (Todd) asked me about any other people I'd kept up with from school. I filled him in on everything I knew and what I'd found out at our reunion in July. The part that I was apprehensive about sharing with him is that at the reunion it was announced that his high school girlfriend, Melanie, had passed away. I searched for her obituary and asked around but I couldn't find out anything. I told Todd the news in my last e-mail and I said that I hoped he already knew about Melanie. I am just really, really hoping that he'd already heard. I would feel awful if I'd told him something so devastating in a casual e-mail. I'm questioning myself here. Todd was always a really great guy so I'm sure he'd forgive me. Not to mention that we did kind of grow up together, so he could easily recognize that I'm a bit wacky. But I'd really feel worse than horrible if I were springing news like this on him for the first time. He's in Texas and has been for awhile.
I also received another call from a dear friend that I haven't spoken to in a month. I called her to let her know I was preggers. We always talk and laugh but it always seems like she keeps herself distant from me. I don't know why. Despite all that I was certainly glad to have her call me for a change. It seems I'm craving close friends these days. So many of us overlook how precious and rare true friendship really is.

A long weekend

2006-02-21T06:59:00.000-08:00

I've been off work for a few days. It's been nice to not have to come here to this office for a while. However I must admit that I get B-O-R-E-D sitting at home. I was actually glad to have some laundry to do. HELLO. That is an illness. Who the hell is glad to do laundry?!!

I have been seriously nauseated for the past few days. It seems that I just don't get hungry anymore. I know I need to eat when I start to feel really sick and queasy. I'm sure you can guess that situation does not make me want to eat. But once I get started, and slowly at that, I am generally okay.

On Saturday night, in the bed, I had the most horribly awful dizzy spell begin. Who the heck gets dizzy while they're lying in bed?! ME. When I'd have to get up to go to the bathroom, it was terrible. Sunday morning was miserable. I didn't start really moving around until almost 2. I didn't make it to church, but that didn't mean I didn't pray. And pray hard! For relief from the vertigo.

The main reason I got up at 2 on Sunday was to try to get myself ready to go out to dinner with my mom and dad. I had talked to my mom on Saturday about it. She suggested going out early in the day Sunday. So when I called them at 2:30 on Saturday and they were at O'Charlie's eating...we'll that just set off the waterworks. Mother had forgotten about our conversation!! I cried, embarrassingly and loudly for about 5 or 10 minutes. She then called back to apologize and we made plans to meet later in the evening.

Oh me!! What am I going to do with my crazy self?!

Flowers and Warm Sunshine

2006-02-16T11:10:00.000-08:00

Last night Ax apologized for upsetting me so badly. Yesterday was really an awful day.

But today is better, thank goodness. The weather is wonderful and I'm feeling pretty good. I went for a walk on my lunch break. I wish that I could've stayed out there all day long. I feel too confined indoors. I'm really, really looking forward to spring and summer. The winter is so dry and dead and lifeless. Bring on the flowers and warm sunshine!

Ax is going running and to dinner with a friend after work. So I get to loaf around tonight! Sounds mighty fine to me.

No Roses or Rainbows Here

2006-02-15T10:36:00.000-08:00

Well, I'd like to make it all roses and rainbows but it ain't. I feel sick, nauseated, tired, and pretty moody. Ax has been no help with this. He says hateful things and continues to talk about his favorite thing: money, money, money.
He had me in hysterics this morning on my way to work. I've told him that things are in the making here at work to allow me to come back part-time after maternity. I've told him I'm confident about it working out. He says he doesn't trust my instincts and that we should have several back up plans. This is so frustrating to me. What the hell am I supposed to do?!
He also keeps bad mouthing my mother. She owns a business that is related to my field but will not offer any comfort regarding possible employment if I were to need it. The stress is making me sicker. It's put knots in my neck and back and tears welling up in my eyes all day long. I yelled at Ax on the phone this morning when he called my during my breakdown. I told him I couldn't handle this.

The Latest...

2006-02-13T06:38:00.000-08:00

I'm 8 weeks as of this past Friday. My own clothes still fit at this point. I've read that it should remain that way until about the 15th week. I am the most impatient person in the world. I don't know if I can wait until the 23rd to go back to the doctor. She'd BETTER do some kind of scan or ultrasound or whatever. I HAVE to see if everything is as it should be in there.

I've had the strangest nights, the past two nights. I don't know if I'm dreaming that I'm extremely nauseated or if I really am. I lie there wondering if it will subside or if I need to get up and get to the bathroom. Both nights I've either fallen back to sleep or it has gone away. It's very intense, but my dreams of late have been just that, very intense.

Friday night my niece and nephew spent the night with us. Lauren is 5 and Aaron is 6. When we took Lauren back home on Saturday she proceeded to thank us for "the worst day of her life". I still don't know what the heck is up with that. Lauren is quite a character.

Friday night my mom and dad went out of town to celebrate their 29th anniversary. I said it to mom and I'll say it to you, I can't believe my mom has put up with my dad for THAT long! I love my dad dearly but he is a hyper active, very impatient person. My mom is amazing for both staying married to him for 29 years and not having gone crazy herself.

The Runaway Fish Stick

2006-02-09T07:03:00.000-08:00

Last night I cooked some oh so nutritious fish sticks for dinner.While putting them into the oven one sneaky little fish stick jumped off the pan. It fell into what I've now learned is the unknown crack of abyss between where the oven door meets the oven. At first I could see the it. I decided to be ingenious and get a fork to stab it with and remove it. Well, guess what? Frozen fish sticks and forks do not get along. I succeeded in pushing the fish stick down further into the abyss and then I could not see it.
At this point I was a little aggravated at having my head stuck into a 425 degree oven searching for a stupid fish stick. I was really afraid that it would burn and stink up the entire house. Not that I would ever really be familiar with burning something and stinking up my house ;)
So, I called Ax in to the rescue. He is such a sweetie. However as the search progressed for the fish stick and it could not be found, Ax admitted that he thought I was crazy. He claimed that there couldn't possibly be any lost fish stick. He'd looked everywhere and I was imagining things.
I laughed and said that yes, I was crazy, but there was indeed a fish stick somewhere in the oven that it shouldn't be.
Ax got a pair of tongs and was looking, looking everywhere. We emptied the drawer beneath the oven with no luck.
Finally there was a break through.
Ax found it on the side of the drawer!!! It had fallen behind the handle/lip of the drawer, to the side, onto the metal ridge that you slide the drawer in with!!!
I told him he was my wonderful fish stick finder.

So if I'm acting weird, it's because I cooked my brain last night by sticking my head into the oven for far too long to find a runaway fish stick.

Weirdly Shaped Clothes Section

2006-02-08T06:34:00.000-08:00

When I've been feeling a little under the weather for several days in a row, my usual self-soothing response is to go purchase new clothes for myself.
However that treat is on hiatus for a while.
I suppose my figure may be expanding in the near future and it will only serve to depress me if I can't get my big 'ol self into my spiffy new duds.
Guess I'll be visiting that weird section of the store called "maternity" for a while.
It's the strangest thing.
I've always steered very, very clear of the the "maternity" section. I've always kind of viewed it as the "dusty, non-fashionable, weirdly shaped clothes" section. Now it's going to be where I go to self-soothe?!!
That is certainly a difficult idea to wrap my mind around.

I Hate Healthy Food

2006-02-07T10:47:00.000-08:00

All I want is greasy, fattening fast food. Keep your grapes and carrots, I'll have a cheeseburger please. And that dry, tasteless breakfast bar that is so full of good-for-me fiber...YUCK. Gimme a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit please.
I do not want healthy, 2.5 grams of fat per serving Chicken Noodle Soup for lunch. YUCK, YUCK, YUCK, ICK, BARF, BARF, BARF. I want Taco Bell and lots of it.

Yeah, so I'm preggers and my baby is probably growing a brain or something this week. I've brought all of the aforementioned "healthy/yucky" food with me today, but I don't want a thing to do with any of it. I'm sure I'll behave and eat it anyway. But dawg gone it, why does what's bad for you have so MUCH more APPEAL?!!!

Chocolate brownies....yummmm.
French fries....serious yummmm.

Oh and by the way, I don't want to do any freaking exercise either!!!

A Very Foul Disposition

2006-02-06T12:04:00.000-08:00

Today I have been in one crabby mood. I've been running errands for Ax. Firstly, they didn't have the stupid video game he wanted. Secondly, I called him to tell him and I began to get yelled at because he'd evidently been trying to call me and my phone isn't working properly. That just pissed me off even more.
And where is the happiest place to go when you are already pissed off??!!!
The POST OFFICE.
I've been to the post office far to often in the past couple of weeks than should ever be allowed. Repeated visits to the post office begin to encroach upon and suffocate my already deteriorating sanity. And so help me God if I go into the post office ONE more time and get chewed out because of I've addressed or packaged something wrong again, I am going to strangle a postal worker.

We've been selling stuff on e-bay, well I say "WE" but it's more like "HE", being Ax. He's trying to make extra money to help us pay off our bills as quickly as possible. He worries so much about money. I feel badly for him. I know that the stress may take a physical toll if he keeps it up. I just don't know what I can do to help him. I try to participate in the e-bay stuff but outside of that I'm at a loss.

Annoying People

2006-02-03T11:10:00.000-08:00

Met my mom for lunch. Unfortunately she had to bring her extremely annoying co-worker, Kristie, with her. Kristie has the loudest, rudest personality of any person I've ever met. The last two times I met up with her I can recall a distinct desire to punch her in the nose. Normally I am a very tolerant person. But Kristie can really push my buttons. She thinks she's funny, but *insert sing-songy voice here* ....but, she's not.
Maybe my hormones are making me more sensitive. Or maybe Kristie just has the most aggravating personality on the planet. Yep, I think that's it. It's definitely HER not ME.

Mr. President

2006-02-01T12:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. President,

Let me begin by mentioning that your State of the Union Address was enlightening. My overall opinion is that you have a genuine desire to be the best President possible.
Now to the real issue, please fix social security. When you said last night that by 2030 nearly 60% of the Federal budget would be used up by Social Security and Medicare...well that just kind of burned into my brain. And put a hitch in my get-a-long, shall we say. I know that you want a committee created to "study" it and come up with possible solutions. My general opinion of federal committees is not good. They are three piece suit wearing, fat salary getting, idiots.
So based on all this, let me make a few suggestions:
1. Do not give social security to rich people. I don't care if they've paid into their whole life. America, the land of opportunity has obviously been good to them. They can do without the measly social security checks just adding to their already massive bank accounts. I'm not exactly sure about how to do this but I'm pretty sure it involves checking out peoples assets. It's only fair.
2. Tighten the screws on the requirements for qualifying for social security. If I had a damn nickel for every shoplifter that said they could pay their fine on the first of the month when they got their "check" I'd be a friggin millionaire. These bums that I am looking at CAN work. That is, IF the government will motivate them by removing their free money. They CAN flip burgers.
3. Stop borrowing out of the social security money. It's not yours, DON'T TOUCH IT.
4. If you get any sort of committee going, let them all be financial geniuses. So they can create investment plans for the money. Like, get Bill Gates or someone like him.
5. If none of the aforementioned methods are successful please allow me to STOP paying into the damned fund. I can save my money, invest my money, blow my money, whatever. The key idea is that it's MY MONEY and I'd prefer NOT to be flushing it down the toilet.

Thankyouverymuch,
Average Jenni

Work and Court Observations

2006-01-31T12:41:00.000-08:00

Wow, I've been busy at work lately. I don't like it when I actually have to work. I'd much rather surf the net and doze off thankyouverymuch. We have court coming up this week and I'm sure it'll be a barrel of laughs. The court is being held by the judge that can never remember when we get paid or what court dates he is supposed to be here for. During the last court that this judge held I made a few observations.
Before I mention my oh so keen observations I have to note what the judge, JN, actually said to me.
JN made a remark regarding the massive amount of paperwork that must be completed for each case. An attorney looked at me and said that he could tell that I enjoyed it all. I responded, "Yeah, sure I enjoy the paperwork. I say that with all the sarcasm that I can muster."
Okay, my response was not genius. However JN looks at me and says, "Wow, I didn't know you had such an extensive vocabulary."

WHAT THE??!!!!

I had to carefully examine JN's tone and expression.
HE WAS SERIOUS.

I just laughed and said that I hoped my degree had helped me somewhat in that arena. But truthfully I wondered if the man thinks I have the IQ of a fruit fly.
JN evidently doesn't realize that when I am aggravated my vocabulary is broad, very broad. My mind began to reel with descriptive vocabulary.

Now, onto my observations:

1. LAWYERS ARE CROOKS.
No offense to any members of the profession. Okay, maybe a little offense. I have seen lawyers do some despicable things. That's a tall accusation coming from someone who has only worked in this po-dunk town and little traffic court. But it's true nonetheless.

2. How is it that I can fill out no less than 10 forms in the time it takes the judge and defendant to sign their names in two places?! Am I fast or are they just ridiculously slow? I'm thinking they are horribly slow.

3. When will the phrase, "I'm a single mom" stop being an excuse? I realize that at times it may be a valid explanation for a variety of situations. However the phrase seems annoyingly over used. And when you make this blanket statement it prompts many questions in my mind. The least of which being, "Why?".

4. It is amazing how much people can say with their eyes. One look can express aggravation, anger, guilty, ignorance. Fascinating.

The Doc

2006-01-27T05:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday the doctors visit went fine. The Doc told me that everything appears to be going well and that I am around 6 weeks. She didn't order any tests because she said it would be too early to see anything. Just hearing that the Doc's office test is also positive was a bit of a shocker. It concretes things a bit more to hear them from the Doc. They gave me a bag full of stuff to read and vitamin samples. It just seems as if these are going to be the longest nine months of my life. Certainly the most valuable but the longest nonetheless.
Last night we had friends over for dinner, Sandy and Tom. We told them the news. Sandy was thrilled for us and immediately offered her babysitting services. She is a sweet heart sometimes. Tom on the other hand kind of looked like I had slapped him in the face. Sandy told me privately that she and Tom had talked about the two of them having a child. She said that Tom is too worried about giving up his drinking time with buddies. That's a shame. The most important thing in life is love and doing what you can to increase it. When Tom is 40 what is he going to look back on life and remember or cherish? Will it be how many times he got shit faced drunk and threw up??? I doubt it. I can see that Tom has some growing up to do. But hell, so do Ax and I. We are in for some grown up lessons. Yikes.
I keep having crazy dreams. I dreamed last night that a horrid wolf, standing on it's hind legs, was trying to kill my dad and get into our house. I think I was still living at my parents home in my dream. Anyway, daddy beat the crap out of the wolf and all was well. It was just such a vivid and frightening dream.

Idiots, Close Thy Mouth and Speak No More

2006-01-25T06:27:00.000-08:00

My immature and boorish sister-in-law insists on speaking about miscarriages whenever I am around her. My SIL is Kelli, my youngest brother's wife, who has had 3 children. Evidently Kelli thinks I've told everyone about this pregnancy too soon. She "thinks" she may have miscarried between her second and third children. "Thinking" in what Kelli isn't doing enough of here. She knows I go to the doctor tomorrow. I even pointed out to her that the three children she had out of four were obviously very good odds. Kelli is such an evil wench sometimes. How could she not think that her words would stay with me and bother me into the late hours of the night. Putting fear in to my mind and heart. That, dear world, is cruel. In the event that I have shared my news too early it might be better to have everyone know so that they could support me in my grief. I told Kelli this very thing.
I have a feeling she will most like say more thoughtless things to me in the near future. I don't believe I will continue to exercise the same restraint I have thus far.

Dealing

2006-01-23T06:41:00.000-08:00

This new experience is a bit taxing on both my physical and emotional resources. I feel very tired yet I've done nothing to be tired for.
Ax and I told both of our sets of parents the news this weekend. It seems he is excited to share the news. However he is obsessive over me not working when the baby is born. Obsessive in the sense of constantly worrying about money. He stressed me out so badly Saturday night that I was hysterical for a while. If I were to stop working after the baby is born we could make it on what Ax makes, on a very tight budget. I think we could do it. Yet Ax keeps making comments about what if he wants a new CD, it's going to break us. No more eating out. There's not an allocation in the budget for clothing.
He keeps pointing out everything that is wrong and negative. I've told him that I'm not lazy. If I have to work to make ends meet, then I will. It's just that Ax seems to be showing his materialistic side. It seems these sacrifices would be very small to the reward of not having to use a daycare. Obviously, he sees things differently. I've told him that I will try to make arrangements here at work to come back part-time after the baby is born if they will let me. I work for a small city government and such things are like an act of Congress. So really, it's not up to me. I can ask, but my boss would have to be my advocate.
What really upsets me about all the discussion listed above is that we are in such an early stage of this. For pete's sake, I haven't even been to the friggin doctor yet. It seems these arguments and concerns are far too premature. Why can't we just relax and revel in the moment for a damn day or two? But instead Ax is hounding me, guilting me. I don't have the answers and the frustration is so very depressing and tiring. I hope I don't look back on all this as my most prominent memories of this news.
I told Ax Saturday night that I was open to doing whatever it took to make things workout. I told him that I wouldn't burn any bridges at work. I also told him that whatever else he had to say on this stressful topic had better be said that night because I was NOT discussing it any further. It seems he understood because he has shutup about it all. He almost brought something up yesterday and immediately changed the subject. I guess he can see that I am already a bundle of nerves.
I had always thought that this would be a joyful time in my life. I've come to be disappointed on that note.
What further contributes to my dismay is that I am 28 and Ax is 27. We'll have been married for 4 years in April. If we aren't ready now then how the hell did we expect that we EVER would be? And I know that Ax is worried, but why does he have to project all that on to me right now? I mean damn it, I can't un-do anything, so lay off!
So there's the reality of my life. I am optimistic that we are just at a rough spot that is already passing. Ax is a very loving husband. He is as reliable as the day is long. I understand that these are attributes, they can also be shackles. I believe that our horrible "discussion" Saturday night really did help him to understand where I'm coming from. My optimism says that we'll be okay from here on out. I know that there will still be other issues to deal with. Just hopefully they wont be as intensely frustrating as Saturday night was.
So, with all that said, I need a nap. But actually, I have to get to work.
But I can't end with all that negativity. It really sounds as thouht Ax is awful. He really isn't. He's talked about getting a book to follow the baby's development. He's planning a yardsale to clean out our other bedroom to make a nursery. He also bought a Star Wars Darth Vader Mr. Potatohead for the baby. He'll be a great daddy.

Settle Down, Beavis

2006-01-19T11:29:00.000-08:00

Well, it's beginning to settle down with me. I'm realizing that I AM EXPECTING. I took another test yesterday just to see the double lines again. It's just so fascinating to me. Life is changing. The relationship between Ax and I will change. I'm wonderfully happy and excited while simultaneously frightened. My own mind can be my worst enemy. Thinking too much can be bad for you.
I've been reading everything I can. Stories of miscarriages really freak me out. I certainly do not ever want to experience that.
I've bought some pre-natal vitamins today. I've been taking a regular vitamin but I know it doesn't have calcium amongst other things. When I took the pre-natal vitamin after lunch my stomach went on the fritz. Ick.
I've been feeling strangely. Every since the day I took the test, I've noticed that my abdomen feels "heavy". It's an odd feeling. Guess it's only the first of many odd things I'm going to experience in the next 9 months.
Mind blowing thought for the day: There are twins in Ax's family. What if I have twins?!!!
Okay, SHUT UP, SHUT UP RIGHT NOW!!!

Honestly though, I'm really very excited. I'm looking forward to the experience of being pregnant and having a little cutie pie. I'm tremendously blessed that I was able to get pregnant so quickly. I'm praying that everything will be okay. Hope you will too.

OH. MY. GOD.

2006-01-18T05:22:00.000-08:00

I am a couple of days late. I took a pregnancy test yesterday at work to ease my mind. Or so I thought. IT IS POSITIVE.

WHAT THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?!!!

I almost passed out when those two little lines turned pink. How do people deal with this? I am scared crap-less. WORD TO THE WISE: Never, ever take a pregnancy test at work. If it's positive you will then have the longest day of your life ahead of you.

I really, really wanted to wait about a year before I became "in the family way".

I got shitty drunk last weekend. Now I'm terrified that I've done something awful. I've been reading everything on the internet about drinking before you found out you were pregnant. Most of says that everything will be okay so long as I stop now. WHICH I WILL NOT GO NEAR THE STUFF UNTIL I AM 100% NOT PREGNANT ANYMORE.

Everything has to be okay. I couldn't live with myself if it weren't.

I was really scared about telling Ax. I took the test home with me to show him. He took the news like a champ. He hugged me and told me everything would be okay. I squalled like a baby. This morning before leaving for work he seemed worried and thoughtful. I told him not to worry. Worrying wouldn't change ANYTHING.

Now my mind is reeling.
My house is too friggin small for this.
I want so desperately to be able to quit my job when the baby is born. I don't wanna use a damned daycare. God, please. This happening so soon isn't going to help any. Hello, God.
How do I go about telling people this?
I know I'm going to wait until I've been to the doctor to get a confirmation.

I feel like my world has been turned upside down.

Dinner with the In-Laws

2006-01-17T06:59:00.000-08:00

Last night, before the in-laws arrived, I burnt dessert. Dear God, the horror of it. I made a pathetic attempt at baking an Angel Food cake. Bad idea. It completely stunk the house up with an awful, crusty burnt smell. After I realized that dessert was a hopeless case, as looked down at the pan in the sink, I wanted to hide it from my in-laws. I thought about throwing the pan away, it was that horrid. I seriously considered putting it into the dryer to remove it from sight. Not the oven, I needed it for other things. Too big for the fridge. So I just turned it over in the sink and put other dishes on top of it. It was bad people, very bad.

The evening moved on from there to me wanting to elbow my Mother-in-Law in the eye. She is such a negative, sour sub-human wench.
Ax was talking about his job. He is a draftsman, with an Associates Degree in his field. His company has just hired an engineer with a degree. This new guy will not be Ax's boss, only taking some of the load off him. He will have other job functions that have nothing to do with Ax. Ax expressed a bit of bewilderment over how this new engineer has been included in more of the meetings lately that Ax had always attended. I've told Ax that I believe the company realizes that his skills are best used drawing at his computer, not in meetings that obviously the new guy can handle. No big deal. However Ax has unfortunately inherited some of his Mother's pessimistic personality and tends to over analyze everything.
Then, Ax's mother (Wanda), ever so brightly interjects, "Well, doesn't this guy have a degree?" "Isn't he an engineer?" Basically insinuating that Ax is a piss ant who is insignificant and expendable.
I felt the blood rushing to my face. I wisely kept my mouth shut and let the topic fade away. My father-in-law asked me a moment later if were sunburned. I told him not unless the fluorescent lighting at work was finally getting to me. Hello, who the hell is sunburned in January? There's always the tanning bed, but what the hell?! I told him it was from cooking and burning desert that had me a little flushed. That was a big, fat lie. My face was red because I wanted to elbow my mother-in-law in the eye.
Wanda's comments obviously bothered Ax because he brought the topic back up. I basically asked her, that if she thought being an engineer was so important, would she be willing to help Ax pay for school if he went back? Her greedy, selfish eyes got as big as sauce pans. She immediately began to expound on how proud she was of Ax, and how difficult it would be to go back to school. She also began to go on and on about how materialistic too many people where, and how unimportant material things are. I still desperately wanted to elbow her in the eye.

It must be mentioned that his parents are loaded. However they are the cheapest, stingiest people alive. They are such tightwads that they will never spend money on themselves or give us one thin dime. Which I think is STUPID. They should be taking trips and cruises. It might mellow Wanda out a bit.

Guilt

2006-01-16T07:40:00.000-08:00

I feel guilty. Ax and I imbibed this weekend. Rather to say that we got really, really smashed Saturday night. We had decent fun but the hangover on Sunday was absolute hell. I feel guilty because I am off the pill and what if I were to get pregnant and not know it?? I am a dumbass for drinking when I couldn't tell you for 100% that I'm not pregnant. What is wrong with me? It's obvious that I should refrain if there is even one iota of possibility. It just seems that I have this stupid notion that I'd just "know" if I were pregnant. But how could anyone "know" if they were only a week or two along? I suppose it would take longer to figure it out. I have decided that this guilt is not worth it. I will stop drinking. PERIOD. I have always thought that I was smarter than this. Endangering my unborn child for what? Falling into the bushes, pulling over to barf in my neighbors yard because I couldn't make it home and then a hellish hangover? I am going to work on being smarter now before I do something irrevocably ignorant.

It has really hit me this morning, as I am expecting to "start" today. I have been worrying and reading up on drinking during pregnancy. I've read that "binge" drinking during the early weeks of pregnancy can be harmful to a fetus. However what I've read also tries to soften the blow by saying that one episode of this before knowing you are pregnant will most likely not have any lasting result. Regardless, what moron would take the chance? I am that moron. But not anymore.

I Almost Strangled Him

2006-01-13T05:41:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I took the pictures and Despised Plant to Ax's office. Of course he immediately told me to, "get that thing out of here." I laughed heartily and said okay. I might've carried on a bit more if I hadn't been on my lunch break and pressed for time. I had brought a pizza with me. We went into the break room and proceeded to stuff our faces. While eating, two of his co-workers stopped by. I smiled and spoke to them. We chatted a bit.

This morning Ax looked at me over our cereal and told me that he noticed yesterday, while I was speaking to his co-workers, that I had food stuck in my teeth. He said it was something red. Ax told me that he didn't want to tell me about it in front of everyone. I just sat there and looked at him.
Questions began running through my mind at an alarming pace. The main one being, "Are the fundamental differences between the sexes so drastic that my spouse, obviously a memeber of the male gender, would allow me to speak to and smile at his co-workers with food in my teeth and not tell me about it because he thought it would embarrass me?!!"
Often when such a situation occurs between Ax and I, I honestly try to "think like a man" in order to better understand where he's coming from or why he did what he did. I do this before I strangle him.
Well, I just looked at him dumbfounded. I couldn't come up with any explanation for why he didn't subtly tap his teeth with his index finger. Isn't that the discreet, universal way of letting someone know that they have food in their teeth? Ax having tapped his teeth in this way wouldn't have embarrassed me. However, being told the next day that I talked to his co-workers with big hunks of pizza in my teeth DID embarrass me.
I proceeded to tell him that I would've let him know if he had food in his teeth and was talking to people. I would've before this new information. Now, I'm not so sure.

The Poor Plant

2006-01-12T05:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday afternoon I typed up a hella long post. But guess what?!! This lovely blogger site decided to go berserk and wiped out my post in it's entirety. Son of a *!#*!! So here I go with a new one...hope it sticks.

Ax's company has moved into a new office. The walls are bare and must have pictures on them with a quickness. I went and bought four pictures and a little plant to accent the palm tree theme I was going with. Ax liked the pictures I bought, which was really great. He can be really, really picky at times. I am proud of myself. However, he DESPISES the plant I bought. It's not anything spectacular so I'm not really sure what his exact aversion to it is. It's just leafy and green. Not very big.
He told me NOT to bring it to his office when I come by today to help him decide where to hang the pictures.
I told him that I AM GOING TO BRING IT.
He told me I had better not.
I just smirked and left it at that.
Well, this morning as we were leaving for work he reiterated his negative decorative opinion of the plant. Then he took it and hid it.
Is he scared of this plant entering his office space??
Well, guess what? Ax left for work and guess what I did???
I found the plant. He had hidden it under a chair.
Guess who's bringing it with her today when she goes to his office to help him hang pictures???

I love being rotten. It's just so dang fun.

Lots of interesting stuff...

2006-01-10T07:13:00.000-08:00

Two Parts of Your Heritage
1. Cherokee Indian
2. Alabama-ian....that's as far back as the history can be traced.

Two Things That Scare You
1. Worries about my husband's health
2. Not being able have children.

Two Fears You Overcame
1. Skydiving...jumping from a plane over the beautiful earth was liberating.
2. Working on overcoming my fear of shoes with any type of heel. I want to start wearing cuter shoes!!!

Two Everyday Essentials
1. My jewelry...I feel naked without it.
2. Lotion...I HATE dry hands.

Two Things You are Wearing Now
1. My new diamond butterfly necklace from my sweetie. It's an unspoken rule that if he sees me without it on for the next six months, his feelings will be hurt.
2. Ugly shoes. I didn't have any others that were the right color, so I put these on. ICK.

Two Things You Wore Too Much of This Year
1. According to Ax..."Radioactive colored lipstick." ...hey, I don't ask him to wear it, do I?
2. Ugly, flat shoes. I've decided that I will put a stop to this problem. Stat.

This year's Favorite Bands or Musical Artists
1. Audioslave
2. Coldplay

Two Things You Want in a Relationship
1. Respect
2. Trust

Two of your favorite Movies of the Year
1. Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire
2. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

Best movies of all time
1. Indiana Jones
2. Back to the Future

Two things You hate
1. Intolerance. Not everyone looks like you. Not everyone dresses like you. Not everyone has the same heritage. It's a good thing. If everyone looked, acted, dressed the same...THE WORLD WOULD SUCK.
2. Being on a diet. I like to eat, eat, eat. And not worry about it.

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. Blogging, reading blogs.
2. Cooking

Two things you learned this year
1. Having a family is the only thing that will complete me.
2. I love flavored coffee.

Two Accomplishments You are Proud of
1. Creating a debt payoff plan that I can actually stick to.
2. Skydiving.

Two Things You Want Really Badly
1. A baby
2. To be a stay at home mother.

Two places you went this year.
1. Jekyll Island, GA
2. Savannah, GA
Evidently I don't leave the state.

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. Hawaii
2. Italy

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. Hold my grandchild.
2. See at least 25 states.

Two Ways that you are a Stereotypical Example of your Gender
1. I squeal like a little girl when a bug is near me and I make Ax kill it.
2. I think camping is yucky. Why do people voluntarily go places where personal hygiene is on hiatus?

Two things that make you stand out.
1. My fashion choices. According to my mother and husband, I am "Fashion Challenged". I think I'm unique.
2. My opinion of people and situations in general. My experiences with the population and court have jaded me in an often humorous way.

Two Things You Normally Wouldn't Admit
1. I wish I had more close female friends. It's sad but this blog is a way for me to connect with other chicks close to my age. I have no other outlet.
2. I wish I hadn't gone to college. I feel guilty for the $20,000 debt I owe for it. A degree is not required for this job, and I love my job. I don't want to look for another one that would require a degree.

Two Goals for the New Year
1. Pay off most of my debt with my schnazzy debt payoff plan. (I've been praying about the School Loan Debt, only God can deliver me from that horrible 15 year debt.)
2. Beg, con, or physically force Ax to remove the super-nasty brown, shag carpet from the living room and put down ANY other type of flooring.

Church

2006-01-09T06:30:00.000-08:00

On Saturday nite Ax and I picked up my niece and nephew to spend the night with us. Aaron is 6 and Lauren is 5. We had a good time Saturday night and took them to get in the hot tub at Ax's parents house.
Sunday morning could've been better, to say the least. I made breakfast and asked if anyone wanted to go to church with me. Lauren said no, and of course Ax said no. Aaron said he guessed he would. I think the poor kid felt bad for me. Bless his heart.
Well, when Aaron said yes, Lauren said she'd go too. Well, all that evidently made Ax mad. He began a tirade about how I was just "tricking" the kids. That I would take them home after church and Aaron wouldn't get to play anymore video games with Ax. Ax was basically yelling at me. I told him to stop yelling at me. He said that this was his house and that he'd yell if he wanted.
Well, that pissed me right off with a quickness. I told him that this was my house too and he would not yell at me. All while this was going on I was disgusted that this dialogue was happening in front of Aaron and Lauren.
We rarely argue like this so why did we have to when we had precious little people with us??? Ax was just being a total jerk. I got up from the table and basically stomped to the bathroom to take a shower and get AWAY from him.
I got ready and it was almost time to leave. About that time Ax decides to come and talk to me about it all and kind of apologize. I know and sincerely believe that he would not have been nearly remorseful if I hadn't started crying. It's just that he'd upset me so much with his awful "tricking" comment.
Background: I know that Ax is biased against church because of his Mother's fanatic loyalty to her Jehovah's Witness cult. Ax has told me heart wrenching stories about how she'd put the church before her family in a second. He told me that once, as a child, he was sick with the chicken pox or some such childhood illness, and she left him to go to church. It has obviously bothered him quite a bit because he recalled it to me in regards to how he feels about going to church. Shame on her for doing that to him and her family. Shame on her for poisoning him towards attending church. On the other hand Ax has been so extensively warned by his father about subscribing to any particular denomination that Ax refuses to say he is a "member" of our church. Which is the only church he has attended in the last four years, essentially our entire relationship.
My own background with church is more than healthy if I do say so myself. I only want to go for 1 and 1/2 hours a week!! I grew up attending church about 3 hours a week, consisting of Sunday School and Regular Sunday service. Occasionally I attended 5 hours a week if I went on a Sunday night or Wednesday night service. Church is like a re-charge for both my spiritual and emotional batteries. Not only that but I do believe whole heartedly in the 10 commandments. And obviously if you are on the train for 9 of them then you've got to get that one about the Sabbath. I mean come on. I know that I have been humbled by having God answer my prayers. It has shaken my tree to know that He hears me. He knows if I am giving of my time to worship and praise. If I want miracles and blessings it's the absolute least and falls very short of what I should be giving to go to church for a measly hour and a 1/2 a week. I also pray outside of that however I feel that it's important to make an effort for God. To visit His house and praise Him with others. If I can get up and go to work five days a week for something as fleeting as money then I can get up one day a week for the Almighty God who has given me the breath of life. May he forgive me for not giving Him more when I know he undoubtedly deserves it. I fall short in so many ways. I will fight tooth and nail to go church for what little time I've set aside. I am thankful for my right to worship and praise God, what a fool I'd be not to exercise that right.

So needless to say, I cried and told Ax that he had no right to say those things to me. I also told him that I know for a fact that he wants God's miracles and blessings in his life and that there is no excuse for him not giving slightly more than one measly hour of his life in praise to God. Ax said that he believes God is everywhere so he can praise anywhere. I said that God is where two or more are gathered in His name.
Matthew 18:20 For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them.”
When we want to see a person we go to that person's house, so isn't there logic in going to God's house to worship and praise???
So anyway, I cried and Ax, of course, got some conscience suddenly and decided to get ready for church. I know that he didn't intend to say he'd go to church with me, otherwise he'd have come in to talk to me sooner and had more time to get ready. But I wanted him to go anyway, even if we were late, just for the principal of it. But we weren't that late, and I'm really glad we made it.

A big downfall is that when I came out of the bedroom to get Aaron and Lauren ready, they could see that I'd been crying. I thought that I had dried it up enough but obviously not. We got a call later that evening from my dad because Aaron had told them that he'd heard Aunt Jenni crying and then she came out wiping her eyes. When my dad called I told him a very short version of what happened. He put Aaron on the phone and I told him that Uncle Ax had just made me mad but everything was okay.

Poor kid. I had wanted our house to be a haven from the insanity of the rest of my family. I feel really guilty over letting my temper inflame the situation in front of them. However part of the blame rests squarely on the shoulders of my spouse. I sincerely hope we never, ever have a repeat of anything similar in front of the children.

Accident Prone

2006-01-06T12:04:00.000-08:00

1st occurrence that could've taken an eye out:
I was walking through the house last night. I went from the living room to the kitchen. As I walked past our roll top desk (that I want REMOVED from the premises unless I get a bigger house) a large glass candle fell off the top of it. Evidently Ax's sub woofers had done their magic and rattled it to the edge. It scared the daylights out of me. The candle hit the floor with more noise than you'd have expected from a floor with ugly, brown, thick, shag carpet. It shattered into millions of shards of glass all over the place. I picked up tons of itty bitty pieces and then I vacuumed five times. However I can still look down at the carpet and see shiny, miniscule shards still snuggled deep in the carpet. I HATE the carpet in our living room, but that's a whole other post. Later in the evening I was walking through the dining room which is couple of feet from where the candle broke. While walking through I saw a huge hunk of glass on the floor. Ax had been walking in the same area barefooted. It disturbed me greatly that he could've stepped on it and sliced his foot open.
Funny however incidental side note: The candle was from Sandy. The candle has now disappointed me just like she has.

2nd occurrence that could've taken an eye out:
A kind of skeezy but semi-good looking guy came up to the window to pay a ticket for expired tag. I had to get a folder down off a shelf next to me. Somehow I managed to oh so gracefully smack myself in the face (nearly my eye) with the rather sharp corner of the folder. I just laughed and said, it had been one of those days. He agreed that it had been for him too. That would've been one helluva workers comp claim.

Some days I just wonder how the heck I get around.

Welcome to My Life

2006-01-05T07:02:00.000-08:00

I got a fancy schmancy coffee pot for Christmas. It's red and it matches my kitchen. It's digital and can be programmed to make coffee according to the time you set it for. That is if you do it right.
Not me.
I set it to make coffee at 7 p.m. instead of a.m. Okay, whatever. *Shrugs* Ax realized it and rolled his eyes at me.
Bite me.
The coffee I put into the maker is new. It's Starbucks expresso. It turns out that this is the nastiest coffee to ever offend my tastebuds. It tastes burnt. ICK. Ax took the reminding coffee package to a guy at work that he thinks might like it. I decided to take what I had made (after I sugared it up and diluted it with milk) to the office in one of those nifty thermos mugs. As I was sitting here at my desk, I reached over. I picked up the mug and put it to my lips. Then it seems that I had a major lip malfunction. Coffee went all down my chin and my shirt, even under my shirt. How the hell did I make such a mess? I laughed and showed my co-worker so that he could laugh too. Share the funny stuff, that's what I say. Thankfully it came out in the restroom. I only had a big wet spot on my shirt for the next 30 minutes to show for it.